I realized I had a lot to say for a while and but lately I haven't written anything at all. I've hit a fall funk. I enjoy all of the seasons for various reasons, but over time I've noticed I'm kinda like a tree. I wake up in the spring, I'm in full swing in the summer, in the fall I start to wind down and prepare for the coming winter (this winding down tends to create a funk every year), and in the winter I hibernate.
I'm starting to feel stagnant. I went through a lot of spiritual and emotional growth over the spring and summer and I feel like it's slowing down now. It's not for a lack of work, I'm still putting the work in, but I feel like my growth is coming to a screeching halt. Maybe this fits into my tree metaphor. I don't know. I feel like I'm holding my breath and waiting to see what will happen or maybe I'm just waiting for something more. I'm not even sure what it is that I'm looking for or waiting for.
I haven't bothered weighing in this week. Not because I'm losing steam on losing weight and getting healthy, but because we need to go grocery shopping. My work schedule recently changed, so my boyfriend and I only have one day off together now. By the time I found out that it changed, last week, we weren't able to make time to go grocery shopping. I always find that right before we go grocery shopping, I don't eat well. I eat whatever is in the house or go out and grab food more than I should. I already know I haven't been eating well, so I'm going to bother with the disappointment of a weigh in.
It's been a rough and disappointing week overall. I know part of that is that I went into it with a sense of dread and it just continued to snowball from there. I'm going to resolve to ignore the noise around me and just do my own thing.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Does it really matter?
There is a lot of talk in the Pagan community about how long we've all been practicing. It seems to be pervasive in our culture, whether it be an author of a book states it in their "about the author" blurb, when you join a group and introduce yourself, or when you meet a Pagan friend and your practice comes up in conversation. I find this to be a phenomenon confined to the Pagan community. No one asks a Christian how long they've been Christian, a Muslim how long they've been Muslim, a Hindu how long they've been Hindu, or a Buddhist how long they've been Buddhist. You might discuss their beliefs, but how long they've been a part of that religion is generally not discussed nor is it important. It is simply accepted that they are part of that faith. Why then is it so important in the Pagan community? I had never really given it much thought until two nights ago, when the High Priest of my coven grumbled about someone throwing around how long they've been practicing.
While I think there is some merit to how long you've been practicing, after some thought, I do not think it is the be all, end all. Do I think you have any business calling yourself a high priest/ess and forming a coven after only a year or two of study? No I do not. Do I think that because you have been practicing for 20 years that that makes you qualified to call yourself high priest/ess and form a coven? Not necessarily. Do I think you are not a real Pagan just because you self-dedicated and were not taught by a particular coven? Not in the slightest. Do I believe that because you come from a hereditary tradition or Pagan parents that you have more knowledge than those who do not have those experiences? Maybe, but maybe not. I bring these scenarios up because they seem to be the ones that I hear the most from my fellow Pagans. I explain myself best through examples, so I present the following to you.
I began studying Paganism in general when I was 15 1/2, and Wicca soon after that. I self-dedicated in February of 2003, when I was 16 1/2, once I felt I had done enough research to know that this is the path for me. This is the time that I count the beginning of my practice from. I am now 26, and this coming February will mark my first decade as a Wiccan. I did not receive my personal initiation (described in my entry "An Awakening of Spirit") until I was almost 24. I studied and practiced for 7 1/2 years before the God and Goddess decided that I was ready. That "awakening of spirit" caused such a change in me that when it happened, I knew that there was no going back and I didn't want to go back to the way I was before. I had a lot of book knowledge, but not a lot of practical knowledge. I have grown and learned more over the past 2 years, than the previous 7 1/2. By some people's standard's I would be within my rights to call myself high priestess and form a coven after almost 10 years, however I do not feel that I am adequately prepared to do that.
A former friend, that I had met in college, asked me how long I'd been practicing. At the time, it had been 6 years and when I told her that, she quickly replied that she had been practicing for 8. I later found out that she had only been practicing for about 3 years when we met. While I have my speculations, I will never truly know why she lied to me over something so small.
My dearest friend from college, on the other hand, began her practice around the time we met. She was also a member of my previous coven and we always seemed to gravitate toward each other in that group. After we both left, we became spiritual buddies. We would bounce ideas off each other and celebrate the sabbats together.
Finally, there is Cricketsong. Although I have technically been practicing longer than her, she is by far more qualified to lead a coven than I am. I honestly do not hold a candle to her at this stage in my practice. She is wise, nurturing, a tremendous wealth of knowledge, experienced, a fantastic leader, a great teacher, she expects you to think, welcomes questions, and is organized and dedicated to the coven. If she had followed this traditional view, then she may not have formed our coven, and I would not have found my spiritual safe haven.
Why do Pagans place such value on the length of our practices? I don't know. My best guess would be that because most of us do not grow up in Pagan homes nor is there a Pagan central governing body to regulate covens, the only thing that most feel gives them credibility is a lengthy practice. It's not like an organized religion with a holy book that has the answers and traditionally trained clergy. I think what we need to do is focus less on how long someone has been practicing, and more on the quality of their experiences.
While I think there is some merit to how long you've been practicing, after some thought, I do not think it is the be all, end all. Do I think you have any business calling yourself a high priest/ess and forming a coven after only a year or two of study? No I do not. Do I think that because you have been practicing for 20 years that that makes you qualified to call yourself high priest/ess and form a coven? Not necessarily. Do I think you are not a real Pagan just because you self-dedicated and were not taught by a particular coven? Not in the slightest. Do I believe that because you come from a hereditary tradition or Pagan parents that you have more knowledge than those who do not have those experiences? Maybe, but maybe not. I bring these scenarios up because they seem to be the ones that I hear the most from my fellow Pagans. I explain myself best through examples, so I present the following to you.
I began studying Paganism in general when I was 15 1/2, and Wicca soon after that. I self-dedicated in February of 2003, when I was 16 1/2, once I felt I had done enough research to know that this is the path for me. This is the time that I count the beginning of my practice from. I am now 26, and this coming February will mark my first decade as a Wiccan. I did not receive my personal initiation (described in my entry "An Awakening of Spirit") until I was almost 24. I studied and practiced for 7 1/2 years before the God and Goddess decided that I was ready. That "awakening of spirit" caused such a change in me that when it happened, I knew that there was no going back and I didn't want to go back to the way I was before. I had a lot of book knowledge, but not a lot of practical knowledge. I have grown and learned more over the past 2 years, than the previous 7 1/2. By some people's standard's I would be within my rights to call myself high priestess and form a coven after almost 10 years, however I do not feel that I am adequately prepared to do that.
A former friend, that I had met in college, asked me how long I'd been practicing. At the time, it had been 6 years and when I told her that, she quickly replied that she had been practicing for 8. I later found out that she had only been practicing for about 3 years when we met. While I have my speculations, I will never truly know why she lied to me over something so small.
My dearest friend from college, on the other hand, began her practice around the time we met. She was also a member of my previous coven and we always seemed to gravitate toward each other in that group. After we both left, we became spiritual buddies. We would bounce ideas off each other and celebrate the sabbats together.
Finally, there is Cricketsong. Although I have technically been practicing longer than her, she is by far more qualified to lead a coven than I am. I honestly do not hold a candle to her at this stage in my practice. She is wise, nurturing, a tremendous wealth of knowledge, experienced, a fantastic leader, a great teacher, she expects you to think, welcomes questions, and is organized and dedicated to the coven. If she had followed this traditional view, then she may not have formed our coven, and I would not have found my spiritual safe haven.
Why do Pagans place such value on the length of our practices? I don't know. My best guess would be that because most of us do not grow up in Pagan homes nor is there a Pagan central governing body to regulate covens, the only thing that most feel gives them credibility is a lengthy practice. It's not like an organized religion with a holy book that has the answers and traditionally trained clergy. I think what we need to do is focus less on how long someone has been practicing, and more on the quality of their experiences.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
It's That Time Again... Weigh in
I missed my normal weigh in this week, but I weighed myself and I lost 2 pounds. I have to admit, I felt a sense of relief. I was so frustrated last week when I gained so much. I'm relieved that my return to my normal eating habits was rewarded.
My weight gain after my birthday got me thinking about the holiday season. While I am Wiccan, I am in a multi-faith relationship, so I celebrate all of the Wiccan sabbats along with more mainstream holidays. My favorite part about the holidays is the food and family gathering around the table to be together. I've never been on any sort of diet, for a lack of a better term, so eating during the holidays has never been a concern for me. This year may take some work and careful planning though.
Fortunately, the holidays are not at my apartment as it is too small to have a large crowd over and I do not have a kitchen table, but rather an eat in bar in the kitchen. Because of this I don't have to stress over having left overs or pies and desserts in my house.
Unfortunately, both my parents and my boyfriend's parents are divorced. This is not a big deal when it comes to Thanksgiving, as we just go to one place. But it certainly does make Christmas a challenge, because this means that instead of just 2 Christmases, for us, there are 4. Christmas seems to be a marathon. This is not to say that we do not enjoy seeing both sides of each others' families; it's quite the opposite, it's just that it means 4 large Christmas meals.
I think what it comes down to is being mindful of what I am eating and portion control. There is no need to take large portions or overeat. I think it will be important to listen to my body and when it says enough is enough, it truly means enough. I will need to remember that just like every other day, one more bite is not a good idea when my stomach says it's full. I think if I can do this and not get lost in the moment of the holidays, then it does not have to be catastrophic as it possibly could be.
My weight gain after my birthday got me thinking about the holiday season. While I am Wiccan, I am in a multi-faith relationship, so I celebrate all of the Wiccan sabbats along with more mainstream holidays. My favorite part about the holidays is the food and family gathering around the table to be together. I've never been on any sort of diet, for a lack of a better term, so eating during the holidays has never been a concern for me. This year may take some work and careful planning though.
Fortunately, the holidays are not at my apartment as it is too small to have a large crowd over and I do not have a kitchen table, but rather an eat in bar in the kitchen. Because of this I don't have to stress over having left overs or pies and desserts in my house.
Unfortunately, both my parents and my boyfriend's parents are divorced. This is not a big deal when it comes to Thanksgiving, as we just go to one place. But it certainly does make Christmas a challenge, because this means that instead of just 2 Christmases, for us, there are 4. Christmas seems to be a marathon. This is not to say that we do not enjoy seeing both sides of each others' families; it's quite the opposite, it's just that it means 4 large Christmas meals.
I think what it comes down to is being mindful of what I am eating and portion control. There is no need to take large portions or overeat. I think it will be important to listen to my body and when it says enough is enough, it truly means enough. I will need to remember that just like every other day, one more bite is not a good idea when my stomach says it's full. I think if I can do this and not get lost in the moment of the holidays, then it does not have to be catastrophic as it possibly could be.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
An Awakening of Spirit
"[I'm] seeing the simple beauty in life whether it's the way the light hits the silk tree in the front yard, the ripples in the lake, or the fallen leaves from the Japanese Maple on the deck."
I wrote this on my facebook, two years ago, when I found myself in a strange mix of turmoil, peace, and joy. Delving into the specifics of this time would be unflattering to several people, as well as take away from the above-mentioned experience, however some explanation is necessary.
Before my current coven, I was a part of a different one. It became toxic very quickly. I found myself caught up in the middle of drama between fellow coven members. It was polarizing and people chose sides. Fights broke out and words got vicious, my own included. I found friendships falling apart and myself needing to find a way to leave this group that at one time I was so excited to be a part of, but now needing to get out of as quickly as possible. It was a very painful experience, but one I now know was necessary to get to where I am today.
This was over the summer and I was home from school, on break. I spent almost every day with friends that I had been great friends with since we were very young. It was a welcome change from the previous summer, when I hadn't spent nearly enough time with them. I had been ran off the road by a tractor trailer and totaled my car, the previous winter and did not have enough money to buy a new one. That didn't seem to make a difference to one friend in particular, who would pick me up every day when she got out of work. We had a blast being silly and laughing like we did when we were little. Also at this time, I was engaged in a long distance relationship. I was and still am deeply in love with my boyfriend. Neither of us were thrilled by any stretch of the imagination to be so far away from each other, but at the same time, every time we saw each other was that much more special. I was always so happy to see him.
During all of this, one morning I woke up and I saw everything differently. It's hard to describe the magnitude of this experience and the sensations that I felt. It really was more of a feeling than anything. It was as if I had just gotten a new prescription for my glasses, everything looked as if it was lit with perfect studio lighting, and the colors had been cranked up. Everything was sharply in focus, lit perfectly, and the colors were heavily saturated. I felt a deep sense of peace. I knew that there was something more out there and I felt connected to everything. It was the most amazing feeling that I have ever had. I really wish I could find the right words to truly to describe the full fledged feeling, but there really are no words in the English language that fully encompass it. I guess the best way to describe it is that my spirit had been sleeping my whole life and one day, it woke up.
I wrote this on my facebook, two years ago, when I found myself in a strange mix of turmoil, peace, and joy. Delving into the specifics of this time would be unflattering to several people, as well as take away from the above-mentioned experience, however some explanation is necessary.
Before my current coven, I was a part of a different one. It became toxic very quickly. I found myself caught up in the middle of drama between fellow coven members. It was polarizing and people chose sides. Fights broke out and words got vicious, my own included. I found friendships falling apart and myself needing to find a way to leave this group that at one time I was so excited to be a part of, but now needing to get out of as quickly as possible. It was a very painful experience, but one I now know was necessary to get to where I am today.
This was over the summer and I was home from school, on break. I spent almost every day with friends that I had been great friends with since we were very young. It was a welcome change from the previous summer, when I hadn't spent nearly enough time with them. I had been ran off the road by a tractor trailer and totaled my car, the previous winter and did not have enough money to buy a new one. That didn't seem to make a difference to one friend in particular, who would pick me up every day when she got out of work. We had a blast being silly and laughing like we did when we were little. Also at this time, I was engaged in a long distance relationship. I was and still am deeply in love with my boyfriend. Neither of us were thrilled by any stretch of the imagination to be so far away from each other, but at the same time, every time we saw each other was that much more special. I was always so happy to see him.
During all of this, one morning I woke up and I saw everything differently. It's hard to describe the magnitude of this experience and the sensations that I felt. It really was more of a feeling than anything. It was as if I had just gotten a new prescription for my glasses, everything looked as if it was lit with perfect studio lighting, and the colors had been cranked up. Everything was sharply in focus, lit perfectly, and the colors were heavily saturated. I felt a deep sense of peace. I knew that there was something more out there and I felt connected to everything. It was the most amazing feeling that I have ever had. I really wish I could find the right words to truly to describe the full fledged feeling, but there really are no words in the English language that fully encompass it. I guess the best way to describe it is that my spirit had been sleeping my whole life and one day, it woke up.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
It's Weigh In Day
This week is a bummer. I weighed in and I gained three pounds. I had a feeling it wouldn't be a good weigh in day since it's been a weird week, but I honestly didn't think it would be a gain. I thought maybe I would just stay the same or at worst gain a pound, but not three. Three feels like such a defeat. I guess I shouldn't be so down on myself, there are always going to be setbacks when trying to make big changes. All I can do is pick myself up, keep working at it, and look at what happened this week.
First of all, I've been having problems with my cycle this month. I got my period a week and a half before it was due and it lasted for nine days. Then it stopped for three days, picked up again for a day or two, and then stopped again. That's totally abnormal for me. I normally have a 4 day period. I've felt bloated and I can't wear my belt as tight as I normally do. Additionally, when I get my period, I crave sweets and greasy fried food. I've given into my cravings more than I should have, over the past week or two. I'm sure that has been part of my downfall.
I've also eaten out more this week than I normally do. I had sushi and crab rangoons (not normal), last Saturday. I had a sandwich from D'Angelos, last Sunday (we usually do this on Sunday nights since both my boyfriend and I get out of work late). Monday was my birthday, and I expected to eat terrible that day, since it's my one day a year that's all about me. I went to a cook out during the day and tried to eat light there, but I did have a piece of my birthday cake. I went to Fire + Ice for dinner (where I only go once or twice a year). I did limit myself and didn't try to over stuff myself like I used to. I only ate two plates of food since that's all I have room for. I didn't try to eat a third plate and stopped at pleasantly full. I had sushi again last night (also not normal).
My work schedule has been messed up, this week, since I traded a day with someone so they could have the day off that they needed. On top of that, it hasn't been very busy. I've found myself sitting around a lot, so I haven't been getting as much of a work out as I usually do.
The left over back pain from my injury over the summer has been particularly bad, this week. I have a very hard time falling asleep, and because of that and my fibromyalgia, I have been sleeping terribly. Because of that, I have been sleeping later and have had less time to do stuff before work. Unfortunately, my exercises are falling to the wayside more often than I would like them to.
What it comes down to is there are things I can change and things I can't. I can't do anything about the changes in my cycle. I've already called my doctor and I was told it could just be a fluke this month, but if it happens again, next month, then I should call back for an appointment, so I will have to wait and watch. I can control what I eat though and avoid the sweets and fried foods. I can go back to not eating out as much, since I know that didn't help one bit. I also can't control when the restaurant isn't as busy as it normally is. I can take control of my pain and my sleep issues. I plan on changing my primary care doctor since my current one doesn't seem to understand my needs. The doctor I want to change to has a lot of experience in treating fibromyalgia. Hopefully, we will be able to make a plan of attack to get my fibromyalgia under control. I will be calling a chiropractor for an appointment to make sure my back is still in alignment. I will be calling my pain management doctor since the injections that I got almost three weeks ago are not helping whatsoever and I don't want to wait another month to tell him that this is not working.
Yes this week is a setback, but I have a plan to turn it around.
First of all, I've been having problems with my cycle this month. I got my period a week and a half before it was due and it lasted for nine days. Then it stopped for three days, picked up again for a day or two, and then stopped again. That's totally abnormal for me. I normally have a 4 day period. I've felt bloated and I can't wear my belt as tight as I normally do. Additionally, when I get my period, I crave sweets and greasy fried food. I've given into my cravings more than I should have, over the past week or two. I'm sure that has been part of my downfall.
I've also eaten out more this week than I normally do. I had sushi and crab rangoons (not normal), last Saturday. I had a sandwich from D'Angelos, last Sunday (we usually do this on Sunday nights since both my boyfriend and I get out of work late). Monday was my birthday, and I expected to eat terrible that day, since it's my one day a year that's all about me. I went to a cook out during the day and tried to eat light there, but I did have a piece of my birthday cake. I went to Fire + Ice for dinner (where I only go once or twice a year). I did limit myself and didn't try to over stuff myself like I used to. I only ate two plates of food since that's all I have room for. I didn't try to eat a third plate and stopped at pleasantly full. I had sushi again last night (also not normal).
My work schedule has been messed up, this week, since I traded a day with someone so they could have the day off that they needed. On top of that, it hasn't been very busy. I've found myself sitting around a lot, so I haven't been getting as much of a work out as I usually do.
The left over back pain from my injury over the summer has been particularly bad, this week. I have a very hard time falling asleep, and because of that and my fibromyalgia, I have been sleeping terribly. Because of that, I have been sleeping later and have had less time to do stuff before work. Unfortunately, my exercises are falling to the wayside more often than I would like them to.
What it comes down to is there are things I can change and things I can't. I can't do anything about the changes in my cycle. I've already called my doctor and I was told it could just be a fluke this month, but if it happens again, next month, then I should call back for an appointment, so I will have to wait and watch. I can control what I eat though and avoid the sweets and fried foods. I can go back to not eating out as much, since I know that didn't help one bit. I also can't control when the restaurant isn't as busy as it normally is. I can take control of my pain and my sleep issues. I plan on changing my primary care doctor since my current one doesn't seem to understand my needs. The doctor I want to change to has a lot of experience in treating fibromyalgia. Hopefully, we will be able to make a plan of attack to get my fibromyalgia under control. I will be calling a chiropractor for an appointment to make sure my back is still in alignment. I will be calling my pain management doctor since the injections that I got almost three weeks ago are not helping whatsoever and I don't want to wait another month to tell him that this is not working.
Yes this week is a setback, but I have a plan to turn it around.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
An Introduction
I've kind of gone through life just trying to keep my head down, just trying to survive. It seemed to work for a while... then I hit 25, last year, and it became full on quarter life crisis. I was full of anxiety. I had graduated from college the previous spring and was struggling to find a job in my field. Granted, I knew going into photography that I would have to fight to start my career. But when 25 hit, I started questioning everything. Had I chosen the right field? Maybe I should have stuck with the pre-law track or psychology major that I had started out with when I first started college, 7 years earlier. I didn't know what I was doing or where I should go. I was hurting right down to my spirit.
For the next 6 months, I tried to find my way, but I felt like a boat set adrift without a paddle. Things only got worse and worse from there. Finally, it got to the point where I would sleep until noon, get up and sit around for two hours until I had to get ready to go to my waitressing job. I felt lost and hopeless. Nothing was panning out and nothing was making sense. At this time, two very important things happened.
The first, was Cricketsong, a tarot card reader at a local metaphysical shop. I had met her once before and we had stayed in touch for a little while. I am a very private person and do not like people "in my business," but I trusted her with whatever the cards might say about me. When I sat down to have her read my cards, we chatted for a little bit. I explained that I felt lost and alone, and suddenly I broke down and started crying, even though I rarely cry in front of people. I was so sad and lonely. I couldn't see my friends back home because they were so far away and my work schedule didn't match up with theirs and I don't have many friends around here, so I always feel like I'm bothering them or am too clingy. She was so kind and asked if I wanted to come over to her house just to hang out. I was so grateful and we made plans. She then read my cards and gave me some reassurance.
When I went to her house, we talked and hung out for a bit. I told her that although I had considered myself Wiccan since I was 16, I'm starting to wonder whether or not it is still the path for me. She nodded and just listened for a while. She asked how I was feeding my spirit and I said that I was having trouble feeding it at this point. We talked some more, and then she said, "I don't know if you'd even be interested in this or not, but I really like your energy and I think you'd be a great fit for our coven, so what do you think?" I wasn't sure at first. I had had previous experiences in a group setting and they were very negative. I was very apprehensive at first, but she told me to take home the coven workbook and look it over and even if I wasn't interested, it was ok. I took the workbook home with me and spent the next week looking it over and writing down questions. When I went back, the following week, I shared my questions. She took the time to answer each question thoughtfully, which was more than I could say for my previous group experience. I felt strongly that being a part of this coven was the right thing for me at this time in my life. I started my studies and after a few weeks, I met the rest of the coven. I felt at home immediately and knew deep in my heart that this was the place for me. Two weeks later, I study-dedicated, and thus began my transformation. I have profoundly changed and so has my view of the world. Love is the word now, and I am learning to come from a place of love on everything. Do I always do that? No, it's a process, but I always try.
The second change in my life came up around the same time as the beginning of my spiritual changes. I went in for my physical and my doctor told me everything was normal, my blood pressure was low to normal, I was nowhere near diabetic, but my cholesterol is high. She immediately jumped to medicating me. I've heard that statins can reduce your fertility, and while I don't know if I want children, I don't want to rule out the possibility. Right as she prescribed the medication, there was a lot of bad things in the news about statins. She pushed me and told me I really need to take them. I decided that I wanted to change the way I eat and exercise instead. I knew that if I try to make too many changes at once, I would keep up with it for a little while, but I would quickly lose steam. I read somewhere that the reason why people's new year's resolutions so often fail is because they try to make too many huge changes at once. Instead, it is better to make several small changes over a long period of time. I subscribe to this, so I started trying to eat better, first.
Eating better was an uphill battle for me. Food is a tricky thing in my family. My parents have always seemed to have strange relationships with food. I would often get speeches about how I should be more health conscious, but then I would see them embrace fad dieting which I knew was not healthy. My mother's relationship to food is particularly difficult as she is a recovered bulimic. I never really took them seriously. You see, I don't really have their relationship with food. I don't abuse food. I'm not a boredom eater, nor am I an emotional eater. I love food! I love everything about food! I love the way it looks. I love the way it smells. I love the textures in my mouth. I love the way it sounds when it's cooking and how it sounds when I'm eating it. I love the way it tastes. I love food. I think my relationship with food might be what drew me to waitressing. I like working with people and I like being a part of a positive experience with food. I feel that food and eating is such a personal experience. What you put in your body to nourish it and the experience you have while eating that food is important. But when this cholesterol thing came up, I knew I had to find the middle ground. Heart disease and diabetes runs in my family on both sides, and that is not the way I want to go.
I started making small changes with my eating habits. I started with breakfast, my favorite meal. I cut out the toaster strudels, the super sugary cereals, and I stopped eating bagels regularly. I switched my main breakfast food to smoothies made with frozen fruit, fat free yogurt, flaxseed meal, and occasionally a little honey to sweeten it if the fruit is a little bland. My cereal of choice became apple cinnamon cheerios and started eating more oatmeal. I switched from whole milk, first to 2%, and then to 1%. I won't drink skim milk (except in my coffee, but only because at Dunkin Donuts only gives you a choice between skim or whole milk in your latte). Speaking of coffee, because I love caramel lattes and can't give them up, I tried getting them with Splenda at first but don't let them fool you, it doesn't taste like real sugar, it's tastes diety. Instead, I gave up any sort of sweetener and decided to let the caramel do the job. It took some getting used to, but it wasn't a change I couldn't live with.
In addition to my breakfast choices, my snack choices were also very important. I started eating a lot more fruit. I stopped baking as much, much to my boyfriend's chagrin. I do still bake from time to time, but not every week. I laid off the ice cream and only eat it once in a while. I started buying 100 calorie snack packs to get my sweets fix. I stopped eating a sleeve of cookies by myself, now I can only eat a couple if any at all. I know this all sounds so obvious, but not in our junk food culture.
Dinner was always fairly healthy. I cut out frozen and most "pre-fab" dinners when I was a junior in college. I'm always sure to eat a protein, starch, and vegetable. Dinner hasn't needed many changes since I did make these changes three years ago. The only major changes to dinner were to stop eating out so much. Don't get me wrong, I still eat out from time to time, but at most once per week, rather than the the three to four times that I was before.
I think the most important change that I've made happened inadvertently though. I am a waitress in an Asian restaurant and every day that I worked, I would eat the food that the kitchen would prepare for my co-workers and me. It was often fried rice, some kind of noodles, or a stir fry. Don't get me wrong, most of the time it was tasty, but it also isn't at all healthy. Four months ago, I had a very bad muscle spasm in my back, that was proceeded, a month later, by a debilitating back injury. I had a rotated sacrum, and it was excruciating and I was unable to work. I was on pain medications and bed rest for much of the first month. These pain medications stimulated my appetite and all I wanted to do was eat. I assumed that with the way I was eating and the lack of physical exercise that I was getting, I would gain weight. However, because I was making healthier choices, and I was off the unhealthy food from work, I actually lost twelve pounds in the first two weeks. I did gain two pounds back after a while, but it was clear to me that the work food was a huge part of the problem. Toward the end of my first month out of work, I started going to physical therapy and in the second month, I was able to actually start doing some exercises at home. Finally, just after my three month mark of being out of work, I was approved to go back to work. I resolved to not eat the food there, beyond the salads and clear soups.
I bring my own food to work. My co-workers laugh at me and try to pressure me into eating the food there. They told me that it didn't matter what I ate and to just do those P90x or Intensity workouts. Now I'm not saying they're not good workouts, but I am saying they're not for me since I have fibromyalgia, so I need a slightly more gentle workout. If it takes me longer to lose the weight, then so be it. If I make life changes, then I know that I, personally, will be able to keep the weight off. Work is my workout: I get cardio and weightlifting; I do my stretching at home in the morning. People who have never waited a table often laugh at me when I say this, but they clearly don't understand how physically intense the job is. Any calories we eat in the beginning of the night are gone halfway through it. Anyway, my co-workers have been completely unsupportive, but as my sister reminded me, they are not my friends and they are not there to be supportive. It's a hater's job to hate, so let them do their job. I was feeling kind of down on myself at first, until I started doing my weekly weigh ins. At the end of my third week, I had lost nine pounds, bringing my total lost in three month to nineteen pounds. That's honestly more than I expected to lose in that time, as I had been told by a doctor to only expect to lose one pound per week.
So here I am a few days after my 26th birthday, optimistic about the path my life is taking, both health-wise and spiritually. This is the best I have felt in a long time. My soul is getting the nourishment that it needs and so is my body. As both of them get the nourishment that they need, I am confident that my fibromyalgia will become more manageable again.
For the next 6 months, I tried to find my way, but I felt like a boat set adrift without a paddle. Things only got worse and worse from there. Finally, it got to the point where I would sleep until noon, get up and sit around for two hours until I had to get ready to go to my waitressing job. I felt lost and hopeless. Nothing was panning out and nothing was making sense. At this time, two very important things happened.
The first, was Cricketsong, a tarot card reader at a local metaphysical shop. I had met her once before and we had stayed in touch for a little while. I am a very private person and do not like people "in my business," but I trusted her with whatever the cards might say about me. When I sat down to have her read my cards, we chatted for a little bit. I explained that I felt lost and alone, and suddenly I broke down and started crying, even though I rarely cry in front of people. I was so sad and lonely. I couldn't see my friends back home because they were so far away and my work schedule didn't match up with theirs and I don't have many friends around here, so I always feel like I'm bothering them or am too clingy. She was so kind and asked if I wanted to come over to her house just to hang out. I was so grateful and we made plans. She then read my cards and gave me some reassurance.
When I went to her house, we talked and hung out for a bit. I told her that although I had considered myself Wiccan since I was 16, I'm starting to wonder whether or not it is still the path for me. She nodded and just listened for a while. She asked how I was feeding my spirit and I said that I was having trouble feeding it at this point. We talked some more, and then she said, "I don't know if you'd even be interested in this or not, but I really like your energy and I think you'd be a great fit for our coven, so what do you think?" I wasn't sure at first. I had had previous experiences in a group setting and they were very negative. I was very apprehensive at first, but she told me to take home the coven workbook and look it over and even if I wasn't interested, it was ok. I took the workbook home with me and spent the next week looking it over and writing down questions. When I went back, the following week, I shared my questions. She took the time to answer each question thoughtfully, which was more than I could say for my previous group experience. I felt strongly that being a part of this coven was the right thing for me at this time in my life. I started my studies and after a few weeks, I met the rest of the coven. I felt at home immediately and knew deep in my heart that this was the place for me. Two weeks later, I study-dedicated, and thus began my transformation. I have profoundly changed and so has my view of the world. Love is the word now, and I am learning to come from a place of love on everything. Do I always do that? No, it's a process, but I always try.
The second change in my life came up around the same time as the beginning of my spiritual changes. I went in for my physical and my doctor told me everything was normal, my blood pressure was low to normal, I was nowhere near diabetic, but my cholesterol is high. She immediately jumped to medicating me. I've heard that statins can reduce your fertility, and while I don't know if I want children, I don't want to rule out the possibility. Right as she prescribed the medication, there was a lot of bad things in the news about statins. She pushed me and told me I really need to take them. I decided that I wanted to change the way I eat and exercise instead. I knew that if I try to make too many changes at once, I would keep up with it for a little while, but I would quickly lose steam. I read somewhere that the reason why people's new year's resolutions so often fail is because they try to make too many huge changes at once. Instead, it is better to make several small changes over a long period of time. I subscribe to this, so I started trying to eat better, first.
Eating better was an uphill battle for me. Food is a tricky thing in my family. My parents have always seemed to have strange relationships with food. I would often get speeches about how I should be more health conscious, but then I would see them embrace fad dieting which I knew was not healthy. My mother's relationship to food is particularly difficult as she is a recovered bulimic. I never really took them seriously. You see, I don't really have their relationship with food. I don't abuse food. I'm not a boredom eater, nor am I an emotional eater. I love food! I love everything about food! I love the way it looks. I love the way it smells. I love the textures in my mouth. I love the way it sounds when it's cooking and how it sounds when I'm eating it. I love the way it tastes. I love food. I think my relationship with food might be what drew me to waitressing. I like working with people and I like being a part of a positive experience with food. I feel that food and eating is such a personal experience. What you put in your body to nourish it and the experience you have while eating that food is important. But when this cholesterol thing came up, I knew I had to find the middle ground. Heart disease and diabetes runs in my family on both sides, and that is not the way I want to go.
I started making small changes with my eating habits. I started with breakfast, my favorite meal. I cut out the toaster strudels, the super sugary cereals, and I stopped eating bagels regularly. I switched my main breakfast food to smoothies made with frozen fruit, fat free yogurt, flaxseed meal, and occasionally a little honey to sweeten it if the fruit is a little bland. My cereal of choice became apple cinnamon cheerios and started eating more oatmeal. I switched from whole milk, first to 2%, and then to 1%. I won't drink skim milk (except in my coffee, but only because at Dunkin Donuts only gives you a choice between skim or whole milk in your latte). Speaking of coffee, because I love caramel lattes and can't give them up, I tried getting them with Splenda at first but don't let them fool you, it doesn't taste like real sugar, it's tastes diety. Instead, I gave up any sort of sweetener and decided to let the caramel do the job. It took some getting used to, but it wasn't a change I couldn't live with.
In addition to my breakfast choices, my snack choices were also very important. I started eating a lot more fruit. I stopped baking as much, much to my boyfriend's chagrin. I do still bake from time to time, but not every week. I laid off the ice cream and only eat it once in a while. I started buying 100 calorie snack packs to get my sweets fix. I stopped eating a sleeve of cookies by myself, now I can only eat a couple if any at all. I know this all sounds so obvious, but not in our junk food culture.
Dinner was always fairly healthy. I cut out frozen and most "pre-fab" dinners when I was a junior in college. I'm always sure to eat a protein, starch, and vegetable. Dinner hasn't needed many changes since I did make these changes three years ago. The only major changes to dinner were to stop eating out so much. Don't get me wrong, I still eat out from time to time, but at most once per week, rather than the the three to four times that I was before.
I think the most important change that I've made happened inadvertently though. I am a waitress in an Asian restaurant and every day that I worked, I would eat the food that the kitchen would prepare for my co-workers and me. It was often fried rice, some kind of noodles, or a stir fry. Don't get me wrong, most of the time it was tasty, but it also isn't at all healthy. Four months ago, I had a very bad muscle spasm in my back, that was proceeded, a month later, by a debilitating back injury. I had a rotated sacrum, and it was excruciating and I was unable to work. I was on pain medications and bed rest for much of the first month. These pain medications stimulated my appetite and all I wanted to do was eat. I assumed that with the way I was eating and the lack of physical exercise that I was getting, I would gain weight. However, because I was making healthier choices, and I was off the unhealthy food from work, I actually lost twelve pounds in the first two weeks. I did gain two pounds back after a while, but it was clear to me that the work food was a huge part of the problem. Toward the end of my first month out of work, I started going to physical therapy and in the second month, I was able to actually start doing some exercises at home. Finally, just after my three month mark of being out of work, I was approved to go back to work. I resolved to not eat the food there, beyond the salads and clear soups.
I bring my own food to work. My co-workers laugh at me and try to pressure me into eating the food there. They told me that it didn't matter what I ate and to just do those P90x or Intensity workouts. Now I'm not saying they're not good workouts, but I am saying they're not for me since I have fibromyalgia, so I need a slightly more gentle workout. If it takes me longer to lose the weight, then so be it. If I make life changes, then I know that I, personally, will be able to keep the weight off. Work is my workout: I get cardio and weightlifting; I do my stretching at home in the morning. People who have never waited a table often laugh at me when I say this, but they clearly don't understand how physically intense the job is. Any calories we eat in the beginning of the night are gone halfway through it. Anyway, my co-workers have been completely unsupportive, but as my sister reminded me, they are not my friends and they are not there to be supportive. It's a hater's job to hate, so let them do their job. I was feeling kind of down on myself at first, until I started doing my weekly weigh ins. At the end of my third week, I had lost nine pounds, bringing my total lost in three month to nineteen pounds. That's honestly more than I expected to lose in that time, as I had been told by a doctor to only expect to lose one pound per week.
So here I am a few days after my 26th birthday, optimistic about the path my life is taking, both health-wise and spiritually. This is the best I have felt in a long time. My soul is getting the nourishment that it needs and so is my body. As both of them get the nourishment that they need, I am confident that my fibromyalgia will become more manageable again.
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