I've been on hiatus for a while. I don't really know why I've been gone. I hit that fall funk last year, and haven't had a whole lot to say. I was feeling lost and alone for quite some time. I tend to isolate myself and stop talking or writing when I feel this way, which for me, is completely counter-productive. I find that I do my best decision making by writing my feelings down and talking to people. Knowing this about myself, I don't know why I shut down like this. I think sometimes I feel like people stop listening, which I know is most likely me projecting.
That fall funk progressed to full on crisis. I don't know what exactly started it, because it started slow and eventually moved from feeling kind of off to crying daily, if not several times a day for hours. It was completely unreasonable and I couldn't control it. I did my best not to cry in public, but the tears were always just below the surface and they would occasionally bubble over without warning. I think it had a lot to do with my initiation into my coven. I had heard that you go through a sort of purification prior to initiation. Old things that are no longer of service find a way out of your life, leaving room for the new things that you are ready to manifest.
I thought I was prepared for this purification since I had already experienced an awakening of spirit (see previous entry). I went through a sort of purification and transformation, that time, with my friendships. I lost some friends that I thought were good friends that were no longer good for me and I gained a stronger relationship with a friend who became one of my dearest friends. It was a painful process, but nowhere near the amount of pain and anxiety that I went through for my coven initiation. That process was significantly more painful.
Cricketsong predicted that my purification would be job-related. I assumed it would be in relation to my current job at the time, which was extremely toxic. What I didn't know is that my purification would cause me to question my entire career path and the direction of my entire life. I found myself confused and eventually at a crossroads. I have a degree in photography, I spent seven years working on that degree. I love photography. I love the life and emotion that it captures and is able to inspire in viewers. I loved the idea of telling stories visually; stories of those without a voice that needed to be heard. I wanted to travel the world doing this and work for big name award-winning magazines. I didn't mind working strange hours and two jobs to do this. I wanted to be world-famous.
I graduated from college and began to look for an entry level job that would eventually lead down the path toward the dream job. Here I am two years after graduation, many applications submitted, and only 3 or 4 interviews, 1 job that didn't work out due to the gallery owner misrepresenting the job duties and requiring less experience than the job really required. I've found myself reconsidering my path not only because of the difficulty finding employment, but also because I think that what I want out of life has changed dramatically.
Who I am at almost 27 is very different than who I was at 19, when I started school. I don't want to live out of a suitcase in hotel rooms anymore. I don't want the fame or be a "household name." I don't care for the terrible hours and working two jobs anymore. I want a quiet life with my friends and family. I want to be married and have a family of my own. I still want to help people, but I think the way that I want to nurture and help people has changed. I want to get involved in my community, not just tell someone's story and then never return after the story has been told. I want to consistently have an effect on people's lives. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to do this just yet, and the process was anxiety-producing prior to initiation.
Finally my initiation came, and while I cannot disclose what happened that night, I can tell you that something within me changed. It was as if someone opened a window and all of the anxiety, stress, and negativity flew out. It was one of the greatest experiences of my life. I still don't know exactly where my career is headed, but right now it's ok to not know. It's ok to explore. It's ok to take care of myself first and allow the rest to just fall into place. And that's what I've been working on ever since my initiation. I'm finding myself and my happy all over again.
