I have not written in a very long time... like about a year. I often start posts and never return to them. I'm going to try to change that, this year. In fact, I'm trying to make several changes this year. Why this year out of any other, you ask? I'm turning 30, much later this year. 30 is an age I have always feared. To me, it marks the end of my childhood and the beginning of really being an adult. I've never really felt like I've had it together and to truly enter adulthood without a clue is terrifying to me. Before you tell me it's just a number or you loved your 30s and the best parts of your life happened in your 30s, let me stop you. I've heard all this before, and while it does bring some comfort, for some reason I feel like I'm looking over the precipice of the unknown, like something will happen and change me on September 3, 2016. I'm not the oldest of my friends and family. There are those who have already crossed into their 30s and have survived without any strangeness. But just the same, it does cause me some anxiety.
I think one of the hardest things for me is finding peace in my life. Admittedly I am high-strung and very sensitive all at the same time. I am very rigid and my feelings are often hurt very easily. I try to hide all of this with false bravado. Those who don't know me very well are fooled by it, those who do, see right through it and call me out for it. It often feels like my insides are in a state of turmoil because of this. Little comments hurt me, things that shouldn't bother me repeat over an over in my head. It takes a lot of energy to keep this mask up and it is an exhausting way to live. I know that I need to make changes. I've realized that my current way to cope is with food. That's obviously not healthy in any way, so I'm working on better ways of coping. I want to stop using food to fill a hole in my soul that can only be filled by me. I don't think it will take just one thing, but will be a multi-pronged approach. The following are plans in no particular order or priority:
Yoga. I've always been drawn to yoga, even as a teenager. I think I probably saw it on Oprah with my mom when she used to watch her religiously. I looked it up, learned a few poses and went to a few classes, but it never really stuck. I think part of the problem was that the classes I took neglected the spiritual aspect of it. And because they neglected it, I had no idea that it was a part of yoga and my attempts to practice it at home lacked it as well. I was left with what seemed like a series of poses that seemed like they were held for an eternity. As I got older, I started to learn that there is spirituality involved in yoga. Recently, a friend of mine brought me to a yoga class where everything just clicked. I just love the teacher. She incorporates the physical and spiritual and even more importantly shows the easier version of a pose first and then adds the more challenging versions. This is really helpful for someone like me who has a few injuries and health issues. I find peace when I'm at yoga. I enjoy the stillness and focus on the breath. My brain quiets and the stress of the day melts away. I need to get better at going every week and then I will add an at home practice too.
Tea. I know this seems so small, but it really does sooth my soul. I just feel better when I drink a lot of tea. It really doesn't matter what kind of tea it is, as long as it's flavorful. Even the making of the tea is calming. I just love it.
Crochet. I am a creative soul at heart. It may have something to do with why I'm such a sensitive individual. I went to school for photography thinking that that was what I needed in my life. I think because I am so sensitive, I have a hard time taking the constant criticism that comes with the art world. You have to have a thick skin to do well there and I just don't. Just the same, it helped me to foster my personal creativity. Along with being sensitive and creative, I am also very tactile. I think that lead me to my love for yarn. I started out by knitting, but it took forever to work anything up that I felt good about. I moved onto crocheting and I found such comfort in it, that I never looked back. I know it's all repetitive, but that's good for me. It becomes a form of meditation and my head becomes clear. I'm bad about crocheting daily, but I'm working on a blanket where I crochet a line each day and the color is based on the local temperature. Sometimes I don't make it everyday, but I catch up.
Therapy. I haven't been to therapy since I graduated college five years ago. There are various reasons why I haven't been, but those aren't really important, what's important is that I found someone that I was comfortable to even call. I can work on all the stuff I need to work on. My first appointment is this week, but I feel hopeful and I'm looking forward to going.
These are the things I need to find peace in my life and step into adulthood without feeling someone is going to find out I'm only faking it at adulthood and kick me out. I know that sounds crazy, but that's how I feel sometimes and I don't want to, so this is my plan.
