Creating Boudaries and Giving Love Properly

I had an excessively long lunch yesterday. When I put my timecard in the system, it turned out I had 45 minutes of overtime. Since overtime is a no-go at my job and I had to close, my manager just added it onto my regularly scheduled 30 minute lunch. On the rare occasion that I'm scheduled to have a long lunch, I usually will bring my coven "homework" or my textbook for the class I'm taking. This impromptu lunch left me completely unprepared. After eating my lunch, I still found myself with an hour of nothing to do and so I grabbed one of the magazines on the table in the break room. I flipped through it. It was mostly Christmas related: Buy a new home in time for Christmas; History of the Christmas Tree and where to find a Christmas tree farm; How to not go into debt around Christmas time; Fashions for Christmas; and an article about things to love about winter. They all helped to pass my time, but were really nothing of substance. Then I came to an article about Love and Relationships. I steeled myself for yet another ridiculous article about love. What I found was different and refreshing. It was an article written by a local relationship and sex therapist.  The following is an excerpt:

"A widely held belief is that love is a feeling. Not only is this incorrect, but the fallout this causes places our long-term relationships in jeopardy. My definition of love is: efforts and actions which encourage and support growth, nourishment, and well-being, while also protecting the other or oneself from harm. So love is action that comes from a choice... If love is only given when positive feelings for the partner are present, no relationship would ever improve once in trouble, and few relationships would stay positive. We must persistently love the partner whether or not we have loving feelings...Love is what we give to be our best and it cannot be based upon our fluctuating emotions and moods. Unless we get love right, obtaining satisfying relationship results will be elusive. 

Paradoxically, we need not have good feelings about our partners to love him or her... but can still love by making loving efforts. A significant cause of relationship failure comes from the repeated practice of withholding love when the partner is judged as not deserving it because he or she has behaved in a way that is objectionable. In reality, an 'undeserving' partner and the coinciding at-risk relationship need love the most. A badly behaved partner is an opportunity to practice loving compassion... 

When facing relationship adversity, anger and bitterness are usually provoked, but if we respond with loving actions, our growth results. By choosing loving actions we increase the chance that the relationship may improve, the partner will open to our influence, and we will be clearer about the role we play in the relationship drama... Love is the energy we bring when we act by giving our best to nourish and support, and in long-term relationships it RESULTS in loving feelings."

 I read this and something just clicked.  I do this.  Not just in my romantic relationship, but in all of my relationships.  I judge hard, especially when I'm angry.  Even if I love you, when I am angry with you, I withhold love.  I can be unkind and/or withdraw.  I tend to let the "nuclear fallout" happen and then attempt to fix it later.  I want to make a concerted effort to change my behavior.  What if I continue to be loving, even when experiencing negative feelings?  What if I learned to not lash out in anger?  What would that look like?  I honestly don't know.  I've never done it.  I have a hard time with boundaries and so I let anger act like a shield when I've been pushed too far and don't want my boundaries pushed any further.  I've spent so long without any boundaries whatsoever, that now that I am setting them, it seems to put others off.  It's a struggle for me to maintain them.  I think if I can continue to work on setting clear boundaries and expectations for those that I am in relationships with, then I will also be able to give love even in the most difficult times.

Note: The entire original article can be found in the December 2014 issue of Soco Magazine

On Losing Life's Flavor and Trying to Find it Again

I haven't written in a very long time.  I often find myself starting to write something and then I get to a point where I know someone's feelings will be hurt if I publish it, so I put the post down.  Other times I find myself with so much to say that I don't know how to say it, so rather than say too much, I say nothing.  This is my attempt to say something... if anyone's feelings are hurt in the process, I do apologize.

About a year ago, there was a death in my extended family.  It was traumatic and unexpected.  Nothing could have prepared anyone for it.  It was just before a holiday, and that first of many firsts that the year to come would hold galvanized the pain of that person's death.  I became a caretaker for a loved one who was consumed by this pain.  Not that I wouldn't do it all over, but my approach would have been different.  I think it was right around then that life lost its flavor.  I cried every moment that I was alone (on the way to work, in the bathroom, on the way home, as I cooked dinner... the tears never ran dry), I stopped crocheting, I stopped baking, I barely cleaned my house, I had to force myself to work on my studies for my coven, things such as getting our Yule/Christmas trees felt like a chore and I couldn't wait to get rid of them when the season was over, I isolated myself because I couldn't take one more person asking what I needed when I had no idea what I needed.  All I did was sleep, go to work, come home, try to keep my shell of a home life together, and search for answers where there were none.  I guess you could say I found myself in a dark night of the soul, so to speak.  I felt distant from deity, my covenmates, and worst of all I could not reconcile my feelings with my beliefs.  The answers that I received from Wicca were not sufficient to quell my pain.  It wasn't what I was looking for, and so I found myself sad and angry.  I trudged through the past year, passing every first family event without this person present.  I watched a family fall apart and continue to this day to struggle to find a new structure that can work.

So here we are one year later.  There is still pain and sadness, but it has become less of an open wound than it once was.  We have survived every terrible first and it seems as though the storm that raged in my home has finally broken.  There is love and peace in the air again and the energy of my small apartment is no longer oppressive.  While we will never make sense out of what happened, it seems as though we are no longer "stuck."  I am grateful that this year is over.  I know that it was love that got us through it.  Love gave me the strength to persevere when I thought I had nothing left to give and that I would surely break.  It was love that allowed me to see the best in everyone, and it is love that will help us to continue to move forward and heal.

So this is where I have been.  I am looking forward to finding life's flavor again and maybe stronger than it was before.

Finding Athena

I've been searching for my matron and patron for some time.  I've found myself confused and exploring different goddesses without any results.  I explored a relationship with Cerridwen in my early years, and more recently Diana, Hera, and Gaia.  None of them seemed quite like a fit. Recently in an attempt to find clarity, I went in search of my matron using my pendulum.  The answers I received were unexpected.  My matron is not Cerridwen, Diana, Hera, or Gaia.  The answer I received was Athena.  I was baffled by it.  The only inkling I'd ever had toward Athena is that I am very drawn toward owls, especially in more recent years.  I found this answer surprising.

Last night, I was at a monthly healing circle that I've been attending recently.  We begin the night with a guided meditation, which is then followed by mini energy work sessions.  It's a truly sacred place that has helped me to cope with a recent death in the family.  During the meditation, we were guided to travel up to source, however we envisioned that source.  There she was standing before me.  It was Athena and it was clear that is my matron.  She was shining and beautiful and comforting.  After that, the meditation moved on to balancing and cleansing our chakras.  I didn't want to leave Her, but I knew I needed the balance.  She then gave me a vision of a large barn owl flying toward me.  I felt at peace.  It was a simple knowing... different from any other experience.  Words cannot truly describe how I felt in that moment, or how I feel now.  They fall short.  It was a truly beautiful experience that I am so grateful for.