Welfare... Do I have your attention yet?

I've been going back and forth on writing this blog for about a month.  Yes, this is about my personal transformation and the journey through it, so I've shied away from political topics.  This is most likely the one and only timed that this blog will get political.  Before I lose you on this one, hear me out.  I hear a lot of negative talk about welfare and food stamps and people living off the system... very ugly words from otherwise kind people.  Let me tell you, when they say never judge until you've walked a mile in someone's shoes, they mean it.  You really can't judge without knowing someone's story.  This summer, I was given a unique opportunity and I want to share it with you.  Maybe you'll change your mind about some things.... maybe you won't... either way, just hear me out.

This is a face of welfare and food stamps... not exactly what you were
expecting, was it?

I've worked in some way, shape, or form since I was 12 years old.  I started babysitting when I was 12.  I wasn't old enough to get a work permit, but I still wanted to make my own money.  It was hard finding a steady gig at first.  I'd substitute for my friend who, for whatever reason, found several steady families.  Finally my mother mentioned to a friend that I was looking for a babysitting job.  She had a 4 year old and 2 year old set of twins and also worked from home and needed someone to look after the kids so she could get work done.  I would go over her house and play with the girls, so she could get work done.  I didn't make much, just $3/hr at first, I would get a raise here and there.  It didn't matter how little I made, because I was making money that was mine and that I didn't have to ask my parents for.  I stayed with them for 5 years, until the oldest was 9 and the twins were 7.

In between babysitting, I also worked on a farm for their Halloween season, when I was 15 and 16.  I worked my way up from upkeep of the pumpkin head scarecrows that they had on display, working the games, caring for baby animals, face painting, and finally working the admissions at the front/ running the cash register.  I worked hard and proved I was responsible and could be trusted with the money.  I don't even remember my starting wage, but it wasn't much.  Just the same, it was mine.

Finally, just before my 17th birthday, I got my first "real" job.  I started waitressing in an assisted living facility.  For almost 10 years, I've been working hard, making my own money, and paying into the system.  I remember seeing how much was taken out of my paycheck in taxes.  I'll admit it, I was shocked.  What did the government need a 17 year old's hard fought dollars for?  After the first couple paychecks I got over it.  I've continued to work since then, and from 19-21, I worked 2 jobs, sometimes working 7 days a week, while also going to school full time.  I will admit that at one point, I didn't work for 8 months after being laid off from one job and waiting for my work-study to start, but I was still living at home at that time, so that was a great help.  But in those 9 years, I have worked hard, only calling out of work in the case of severe illness, injury, or family emergency.  This past summer was one of those times.

Back in May, I injured my back.  There's no clear cut reason as to what caused the injury.  It very well could have been overloading my trays at my waitressing job or it could be the fact that one of my legs is significantly longer than the other so I walk unevenly.  Regardless of what caused it, I was in agony.  I was not able to get out of bed without help, and with help, it still took me an hour to get out of bed.  I eventually had to sleep sitting up.  It was the only comfortable position, and I didn't struggle to get up as much.  I was barely able to walk.  All I could do was cry.  I was in the emergency room twice in the same week. Two nights out of work turned into a week.  One week turned into two. Two weeks turned into a month.  Next thing I knew, I was sitting in a neurologist's office being told I needed to go to physical therapy and I wouldn't be able to work for 2 months.  I swallowed my fear and tears walked out of that office wondering what I was going to do with myself... how was I going to pay my bills?  I had some savings, but only enough to make it through the month.  My boyfriend has two jobs, but it's only enough to pay his portion of the bills.  Two days later, I swallowed my pride and applied for welfare and food stamps.  I knew it was the only way to survive.  

I looked up all the information I needed to bring with me and walked into the Transitional Assistance office, completely ashamed of myself.  I was handed another stack of forms to fill out and submitted myself to ridicule and scrutiny.  I was a pariah... an untouchable.  Even though I had no income and my job wrote a letter confirming this, I had to run my accounts down to less than $250, give them every single bill, prove my car was not worth anything, fill out a stack of forms, give them access to monitor my bank accounts, and bank statements.  Because that wasn't enough and my bank statements cut off before my accounts ran down below $250, I also had to print out my current transactions from my online bank account.  That still wasn't enough proof for the Transitional Assistance office and they told me they didn't know what to do for me.  Finally my boyfriend suggested I do a screen shot of my online banking main page.  It listed my bank, account #s, the amount of money in each account, and the total of the two, and was time stamped.  That finally got their attention.  The last piece of information that they needed was a statement that my boyfriend signed stating how much I paid in rent and how much he paid.  Finally, they approved me.  I got $303.60 in cash assistance, $200 in food stamps, and MassHealth.  I was flabbergasted.  The food stamps was more than enough, but the cash assistance wasn't even enough to cover my portion of the rent.  When I called my case worker, he told me he knows it isn't much, but it was the maximum he could give me since I was technically a family of 1.  I asked how I was supposed to pay other bills and he said he didn't know and hopefully I could find a way.  Fortunately, my family was able to help me with the rest and I was able to scrape by.  

It got me thinking though.  Not everybody is as lucky as I am to have family who is able to help.  And even if you do have someone to help, you will have to submit yourself to questioning as to how much money they gave you and what it was used for.  It could be counted against you if they give you "too much money" even though it's just to make up for the gap in what you got from welfare.  People talk so much shit about these so-called system manipulators.  I can understand why some people have more kids to get more money.  You still won't get everything you need in cash assistance, but if you get more  food stamps, you can buy yourself and your kids what you need for food and then "sell" the rest of your food stamps.  I know this isn't the right thing to do, but people will do whatever they have to do to survive.

Back to my own experiences.  The first time I used my EBT card at the grocery store, I was mortified.  I'd heard the things that people said about people on welfare.  I felt the cashier and the people behind me judging each and every single item on the conveyer belt.  I could barely tell the cashier that I was using food stamps.  I couldn't even make eye contact.  People would constantly make comments in front of me about bums on welfare.  It was very hurtful.  My favorite is when they would make their comments and I would tell them I'm on welfare and they would say, "oh you don't count.  You've worked your whole life and you needed a little help because you got hurt.  YOU'RE different."  I would half-heartedly smile.  The truth is, how do you know that I'm different?  What if I'm not?  What if a lot of the people on welfare and food stamps have a similar story or a worse one?  

After a while, I got sick of feeling bad about my situation.  I have been paying into the system since I was 17, and if I needed help and the system was willing to help me, why not take it?  I stopped feeling the shame that society said I should feel for not being able to support myself.  I held my head up high and when I swiped my card, I looked them in the eye and told them I was using food stamps.  I no longer cared if people judged me for the ice cream on the belt.  I also bought a lot of healthy food.  What I eat is not their business.  I stopped caring if they thought I was a bum.  I know who I am and what I'm doing.  Their words do not define me, only my actions can do that.  True or false, people will say what they want.  It's my job not to internalize and know that it has nothing to do with me.  I know what's true and real.  I can share my experiences and bring it out of the shadows.

After 3 months, I was finally cleared to go back to work.  When I did, I called my caseworker and told him.  He said to bring him my first 2 pay stubs and they would make a decision from there.  As expected, I was taken off cash assistance, but they did allow me to keep some of the food stamps.  I don't get as much as I did without income, but I don't need that much.  I won't lie, it certainly helps to make ends meet.  They also let me keep the MassHealth, which is also a relief since I got kicked off my father's health insurance when I turned 26 in September and my job does not offer health insurance.  I have 2 chronic health conditions that are easily managed as long as I have access to healthcare.  Without that access, it is difficult to function.  I continue to work hard at my job and keep looking for a job in the field that I went to school for.  I am not lazy, I am not scum.  I am a 26 year old woman trying to make it through in this terrible economy.  

I don't know if this changes anyone's views.  Maybe it doesn't, but maybe you'll think twice before judging others or making careless comments.  All I'm saying is we need to find a way to love one another and be kinder. If we each make a small effort to start a dialog, then maybe we can understand and respect each other.  This is my small contribution to that dialog.  Go out there and start talking.

Diana

As mentioned in a previous post, Michael told me that I have aligned myself with the Goddess, Diana.  He essentially told me that she is my matron.  I was surprised.  Never in a million years did I expect her to be a Goddess.  I assumed that Diana was just the name of another spirit guide.  I would have been less surprised to hear that Michael was the arc-angel.  I found this information to be very confusing.  My understanding has always been that your matron and patron will make themselves known to you.  You will have a strong reaction them, whether positive or negative.  I was told you would feel drawn to them.  I've never had any sort of reaction to Diana, instead I've always felt neutral toward her.

I've always felt drawn to Cerridwen.  She seemed right to me since I started exploring the Goddess.  I have to admit that lately, I've been starting feel like our time together has come to an end.  I was starting to feel drawn to Hestia, although I wasn't sure if that is because I've been working with fire or if she was making herself known to me.  Diana has never made herself known to me, except for the time I asked for the names of my "guardian angels."  She presented herself as guide, not a Goddess.  I keep looking back at different parts of my path trying to see if I missed a sign somewhere along the way, but I can't seem to find anything.  All I can find is that moment when she told me her name.

This kind of has me questioning how one really knows who your matron and patron are.  I am finding myself very confused and unsure.  This rocks everything I've ever been told or thought.  I had accepted that the Goddess has never really manifested in front of my eyes whether in my waking life or alternate states of conscious.  I had accepted that the God and Goddess presented themselves to me as visual effects through light, color, and the clarity with which I see the world.  But this?  I don't know exactly what to do with this information.  This starts to come down to, do I trust my spirit guide?  He is my guide and if we accept that negative messages cannot come from spirit, then I have to trust him.  He is there to serve as a positive force in my life and guide me down the path that is for my greatest good.  If I am going to call him a liar on one thing, then how can I trust him on anything else?  If I trust my guide, then I must trust that what he says is true.  Diana is my matron.

I started to do some research after speaking with Michael.  Nothing seemed to resonate with me, except the physical descriptions of how she has been depicted.  The wikipedia article describes her as having "a fair face like Aphrodite with a tall body, slim, big hips, and red hair... As a goddess of the moon... Diana wore a long robe, sometimes with a veil covering her head."  This is how I have always envisioned the Goddess.  I could never explain why this is what she looked like to me, but it is what I have always seen when envisioning her.

Coincidentally, Cricketsong had been doing research on Diana.  She printed it out and gave it to me.  From what she has found I have many similar characteristics to Diana.  So I guess my question is how do you really know if a goddess is your matron if she doesn't really make herself known?  And even if a Goddess does make herself known, how can you be sure that she is your matron?  Cerridwen made herself known to me (or at least I thought she did) around the same time that Diana presented herself as a guide.   Do you look at EVERY single Goddess' characteristics and see if you share those characteristics?  I honestly feel very lost and confused right now.  I've completed my research and I do agree that we do share similar characteristics, but outside of that?  I just don't know.

Enter... Michael

When I first started down this path, one of my very first teachers suggested I meditate.  I explained that I have a hard time clearing my mind and I struggle every time I try.  She suggested that instead of clearing my mind as is stereotypically suggested, perhaps I should try to focus on something and not think of mind as a space that needs to be cleared, but think of it like a flow of water.  If the flow starts to wander, just redirect it.  She said to use a candle and stare into the flame.  She said to picture the Goddess, however she appears to me, next picture a white triangle of protection, finally picture the triangle and Goddess merging.  Once the Goddess and triangle merge, ask for the names of my guardian angels and then be open to whatever comes to me.

I followed this advice and tried it.  Three names came to me: Gladys... Diana... Michael.  I heard the names and that was it.  I didn't see them.  I didn't talk to them.  All I got was their names.  Around this time, I had my first seizure and had a difficult time driving the 40 minutes to see her, so I never knew how to progress or what to do with them.  I've walked around with these names for nine years, unsure of who they are or if I was just talking to myself.  In my heart, I felt like the names had been given to me, but my head questioned it.

When I joined the coven and attended my first table tipping and seance, I did what I always do in unfamiliar experiences.  I went in with no expectations whatsoever.  There was no one that I was looking to make contact with, no particular questions that I wanted answered.  I mostly sat back and watched.  I saw spirits come through for others without asking, especially in the seance, but not for me.  I found myself interested in the process of the seance and the messages that were coming through for others, but also a little disappointed that no one had come for me.  I mentioned this to Cricketsong.  She asked if there were any loved ones that I wanted to communicate with.  And while I do have family members that have died, there is no one in particular that I want to speak with.  The only one I find myself missing still is my great grandmother, but I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to call her out.  Since there were no loved ones, she suggested asking for spirit guides and/or messages that they might have.  She asked if I knew of any spirit guides.  I related the above story to her and she suggested that I ask for these names at the next seance.

And so the next seance came.  The first entity that came through was not related to anyone present at the seance, so I asked who Gladys, Michael, and Diana are.  This entity immediately focused in on Michael.  It repeated his name several times, but all it could say is, "he sits, he sees."  I didn't know what this meant and felt confused and unsure of where to go from there.  All of a sudden, I saw the medium transition to a different spirit, without asking to speak to someone else.  Her assistant asked who we were speaking to.  The entity seemed surprised by this question as he stated that we called him.  Another member asked if he was Michael, which the entity confirmed.  We were all shocked.  My jaw dropped and my mind went blank.  Because it was a deeply personal experience, I'm not going to go into exact details.  Michael confirmed that he is my spirit guide, but he is not the arc-angel.  He does not interfere, but offers guidance.  All I have do is ask for help, and he will answer.  He prefers to communicate in the non-physical, so it's easier to communicate during meditation, through dreams, right before sleep, rather than in my waking mundane life.  He did not know Gladys, which was mildly disappointing since I have the sense that she might be my great grandmother, but he did know Diana.  She is the Goddess, Diana, and more importantly my matron (I will address this in a separate post since this post is about Michael).

I have to admit Michael is not what I expected in a spirit guide.  I was expecting nurturing, and while I don't want to say he isn't, he was very different from what I was expecting.  He often answers questions with more questions and I found myself easily frustrated when I was already overwhelmed.  I interpreted his responses as sarcastic.  I kind felt like "leave to me to get the sarcastic spirit guide."  When I'm overwhelmed, my brain tends to go blank and forget important details, so I wasn't able to recall much of the conversation during the seance.  Thankfully we record them so that the medium can hear what was said.  I asked to borrow the recording so that I could listen to the conversation again and transcribe it.

After listening to it again, I realize that sarcastic is not the accurate way to describe Michael.  He is no nonsense and very matter of fact.  He expects me to think and refuses to spoon feed me the answers, even when I feel like I need him to.  He expects me to do the work to grow and progress on my path.  I do like him and am glad he's my guide.  I need to do some more research as to how spirit guides.  I don't know if he chose me or I chose him, but I think we are a good fit and I understand why we are together.  I have to admit, I do have some more questions.  How long have we been together?  Has he ever manifested on the physical plane?  If so, have we shared lives?  He gave me a signal to call him with, but I am not entirely sure how to use it.  I have tried to consciously contact him, but I am not sure it has been successful.  By successful, I mean a conversation and/or images that I remember.  He says we have spoken and I have seen him, but I do not consciously have access to this.  I'm hoping to get something soon.