I was at yoga class the other night and as I was going through the different poses, I realized something. Yoga is the place I feel most clear and the only time I feel truly at peace with myself and the world. I often go into class with thoughts from the day or issues weighing on my mind and questions as to how I should resolve them. I like setting an intention for my practice to find the answers to these questions or just finding peace. At the beginning of class, I find myself consciously mulling over things. I shoo them out of my head and focus on my breath and my posture. By the end of class, I find peace and often have an answer to how I should handle something.
Unfortunately I am only able to go to yoga class a couple times per week at best. I want to take my practice "off the mat," as they say, and incorporate yoga principles into my daily life. I started reading about how to do this. Two of the things that stuck out about how to do this is by practicing gratitude and forgiveness. In truth, I have no idea how to practice forgiveness. I don't think I've ever really forgiven anyone outside of family members (and the close friends I've had since my childhood). I hold onto grudges from throughout my life against those who I perceived to have wronged me, like weights that I drag around. I know it does me no good to carry them, but I have yet to learn how to forgive them. Gratitude is something that I do know how to practice, but do not do it enough. I often focus on what's bad in my life and struggle to see the good in my life. I've started a gratitude journal. I'm writing down at least three things from my day that I am grateful for. Right now, this is the best way that I can find to practice it regularly. It helps me to reflect on my day and find the good in the difficult times. I have a job that I enjoy, but also carries a heavy load of responsibility and stress. I often leave it feeling spent, this gratitude journal helps me to find the gems in my day. It's a slow process, but slowly, I find myself appreciating what I have a little better.
Once I get the hang of gratitude, it is my hope that my perspective will shift and I will find it within myself to begin forgiving. First and foremost I need to forgive myself. I made some bad choices in my late teens/early twenties that I am still feeling the repercussions of. I constantly berate myself for these choices. I know that's what's done is done and I can only move forward, but sometimes I think what if? Where would I be if I had made better choices? What if I had listened to others who knew better than I did? What if I didn't think myself to be so smart that I knew better? The logical part of me says I was a dumb kid, move on and get past it. But let's face it, the guilt I've felt over it has turned into full blown shame. I need to move beyond that shame and forgive myself. I think once I do that, I will be able to forgive others.
