Taking My Practice Off the Mat

I was at yoga class the other night and as I was going through the different poses, I realized something.  Yoga is the place I feel most clear and the only time I feel truly at peace with myself and the world.  I often go into class with thoughts from the day or issues weighing on my mind and questions as to how I should resolve them.  I like setting an intention for my practice to find the answers to these questions or just finding peace.  At the beginning of class, I find myself consciously mulling over things. I shoo them out of my head and focus on my breath and my posture.  By the end of class, I find peace and often have an answer to how I should handle something.

Unfortunately I am only able to go to yoga class a couple times per week at best.  I want to take my practice "off the mat," as they say, and incorporate yoga principles into my daily life.  I started reading about how to do this.  Two of the things that stuck out about how to do this is by practicing gratitude and forgiveness.  In truth, I have no idea how to practice forgiveness.  I don't think I've ever really forgiven anyone outside of family members (and the close friends I've had since my childhood).  I hold onto grudges from throughout my life against those who I perceived to have wronged me, like weights that I drag around.  I know it does me no good to carry them, but I have yet to learn how to forgive them.  Gratitude is something that I do know how to practice, but do not do it enough.  I often focus on what's bad in my life and struggle to see the good in my life.  I've started a gratitude journal.  I'm writing down at least three things from my day that I am grateful for.  Right now, this is the best way that I can find to practice it regularly.  It helps me to reflect on my day and find the good in the difficult times.  I have a job that I enjoy, but also carries a heavy load of responsibility and stress.  I often leave it feeling spent, this gratitude journal helps me to find the gems in my day.  It's a slow process, but slowly, I find myself appreciating what I have a little better.

Once I get the hang of gratitude, it is my hope that my perspective will shift and I will find it within myself to begin forgiving.  First and foremost I need to forgive myself.  I made some bad choices in my late teens/early twenties that I am still feeling the repercussions of.  I constantly berate myself for these choices.  I know that's what's done is done and I can only move forward, but sometimes I think what if?  Where would I be if I had made better choices?  What if I had listened to others who knew better than I did?  What if I didn't think myself to be so smart that I knew better?  The logical part of me says I was a dumb kid, move on and get past it.  But let's face it, the guilt I've felt over it has turned into full blown shame.  I need to move beyond that shame and forgive myself.  I think once I do that, I will be able to forgive others.

On Giving Kindness

I find it hard to be kind to myself.  I'm my own worst critic and I have a problem with negative self-talk.  I will stew on it and beat myself up long after the issue has gone by, long after the person that I affected (if someone else was affected at all) has let it go and forgiven me.  One of my goals is to cut back on the negative self talk, but I struggle and recent events have been no exception.

I work in a large commercial bank and have spent the last two years training to become an operations manager.  The manager that trained me is tough and has high expectations of her employees.  She's brilliant and I couldn't have asked to be mentored by a better person.  Recently, I was promoted and put in a branch that was in rough shape.  My company knew that I was capable of cleaning it up and I eagerly rose to the challenge.  My mentor's reputation follows me wherever I go in this company (in truth not a bad reputation to have attached to me) and I continue to hold myself and my branch to the standards that she holds her own branch to.  I always ask myself how would she handle this situation?  What would she do?  And if I don't know, I call her.

Every day, for the first three weeks, I went into this branch holding it and myself to her standards.  I would berate myself that it wasn't like her branch.  She trained me thoroughly, why can't I get it in tip top shape?  What am I doing wrong?  I managed her branch when she wasn't there, this should be easy for me.  It got to the point, where I couldn't stop thinking about work, even at home.  I constantly stressed about it, to the point where I even dreamed about it.  Most of the time, if I dream about work, it's usually that my kitchen is the lobby and there's a customer in there, so I can't get to my bathroom.  Now the dresser in my bedroom became the vault door and I couldn't get it open.  I would wake up from my dream and stare at it until I realized it was just my dresser.  I dreamed about not being able to accomplish everything that I needed to get done.  I dreamed about getting audited and failing.  I couldn't disconnect from work.

Finally, about a week ago, I was beating myself up again and wondering what I got myself into when I took this job.  I happened to complete a task that was a big weight off my chest and looked around my branch.  I looked at my employees and marveled.  Part of the problem before I got there was that the previous operations manager didn't promote best practices and didn't really set expectations.  In four weeks, not only had I had set expectations and promoted best practices, but I got my employees on board with me and together we have improved our branch.  It's not my mentor's branch by a long shot, but let's be honest, Rome wasn't built in a day.  She has been in her branch a very long time and she has worked very hard to have it the way that she does.  It took a while to fall into bad habits and it will take some time to get back into good habits.  In this moment, I need to be proud of the what we have already accomplished and not beat myself up for what I have yet to accomplish.  It will all come with time.  And with that, I found a way to be kind to myself.  I didn't berate myself later.  I didn't look for ways that I should have done better.  I simply gave myself credit for what I have already accomplished and acknowledged that while there is still work to be done, what I have done already, is pretty great.

Finding Peace

I have not written in a very long time... like about a year.  I often start posts and never return to them.  I'm going to try to change that, this year.  In fact, I'm trying to make several changes this year.  Why this year out of any other, you ask?  I'm turning 30, much later this year.  30 is an age I have always feared.  To me, it marks the end of my childhood and the beginning of really being an adult.  I've never really felt like I've had it together and to truly enter adulthood without a clue is terrifying to me.  Before you tell me it's just a number or you loved your 30s and the best parts of your life happened in your 30s, let me stop you.  I've heard all this before, and while it does bring some comfort, for some reason I feel like I'm looking over the precipice of the unknown, like something will happen and change me on September 3, 2016.  I'm not the oldest of my friends and family.  There are those who have already crossed into their 30s and have survived without any strangeness.  But just the same, it does cause me some anxiety.

I think one of the hardest things for me is finding peace in my life.  Admittedly I am high-strung and very sensitive all at the same time.  I am very rigid and my feelings are often hurt very easily.  I try to hide all of this with false bravado.  Those who don't know me very well are fooled by it, those who do, see right through it and call me out for it.  It often feels like my insides are in a state of turmoil because of this.  Little comments hurt me, things that shouldn't bother me repeat over an over in my head.  It takes a lot of energy to keep this mask up and it is an exhausting way to live.  I know that I need to make changes.  I've realized that my current way to cope is with food.  That's obviously not healthy in any way, so I'm working on better ways of coping. I want to stop using food to fill a hole in my soul that can only be filled by me.  I don't think it will take just one thing, but will be a multi-pronged approach.  The following are plans in no particular order or priority:

Yoga.  I've always been drawn to yoga, even as a teenager.  I think I probably saw it on Oprah with my mom when she used to watch her religiously.  I looked it up, learned a few poses and went to a few classes, but it never really stuck.  I think part of the problem was that the classes I took neglected the spiritual aspect of it.  And because they neglected it, I had no idea that it was a part of yoga and my attempts to practice it at home lacked it as well.  I was left with what seemed like a series of poses that seemed like they were held for an eternity.  As I got older, I started to learn that there is spirituality involved in yoga.  Recently, a friend of mine brought me to a yoga class where everything just clicked.  I just love the teacher.  She incorporates the physical and spiritual and even more importantly shows the easier version of a pose first and then adds the more challenging versions.  This is really helpful for someone like me who has a few injuries and health issues.  I find peace when I'm at yoga.  I enjoy the stillness and focus on the breath.  My brain quiets and the stress of the day melts away.  I need to get better at going every week and then I will add an at home practice too.

Tea.  I know this seems so small, but it really does sooth my soul.  I just feel better when I drink a lot of tea.  It really doesn't matter what kind of tea it is, as long as it's flavorful.  Even the making of the tea is calming.  I just love it.

Crochet.  I am a creative soul at heart.  It may have something to do with why I'm such a sensitive individual.  I went to school for photography thinking that that was what I needed in my life.  I think because I am so sensitive, I have a hard time taking the constant criticism that comes with the art world.  You have to have a thick skin to do well there and I just don't.  Just the same, it helped me to foster my personal creativity.  Along with being sensitive and creative, I am also very tactile.  I think that lead me to my love for yarn.  I started out by knitting, but it took forever to work anything up that I felt good about.  I moved onto crocheting and I found such comfort in it, that I never looked back.  I know it's all repetitive, but that's good for me.  It becomes a form of meditation and my head becomes clear.  I'm bad about crocheting daily, but I'm working on a blanket where I crochet a line each day and the color is based on the local temperature.  Sometimes I don't make it everyday, but I catch up.

Therapy.  I haven't been to therapy since I graduated college five years ago.  There are various reasons why I haven't been, but those aren't really important, what's important is that I found someone that I was comfortable to even call.  I can work on all the stuff I need to work on.  My first appointment is this week, but I feel hopeful and I'm looking forward to going.

These are the things I need to find peace in my life and step into adulthood without feeling someone is going to find out I'm only faking it at adulthood and kick me out.  I know that sounds crazy, but that's how I feel sometimes and I don't want to, so this is my plan.

Splitting In Two

When I started this blog, 2 1/2 years ago, my life seemed to have several different things colliding at the same time.  It seemed to make sense to combine health and spirituality.  Over time, that started to feel a little convoluted, and so I dropped the health portion of this blog and focused on spirituality.  While I still intend to focus on spirituality, I find myself drawn again to work on my overall wellbeing.  This blog will continue to focus on spirituality, while I have started another blog, Fumbling Toward Health and Wellness, to focus on my health.  This will help me to hold myself accountable health-wise, while I am still able to focus on my spirituality here.

Creating Boudaries and Giving Love Properly

I had an excessively long lunch yesterday. When I put my timecard in the system, it turned out I had 45 minutes of overtime. Since overtime is a no-go at my job and I had to close, my manager just added it onto my regularly scheduled 30 minute lunch. On the rare occasion that I'm scheduled to have a long lunch, I usually will bring my coven "homework" or my textbook for the class I'm taking. This impromptu lunch left me completely unprepared. After eating my lunch, I still found myself with an hour of nothing to do and so I grabbed one of the magazines on the table in the break room. I flipped through it. It was mostly Christmas related: Buy a new home in time for Christmas; History of the Christmas Tree and where to find a Christmas tree farm; How to not go into debt around Christmas time; Fashions for Christmas; and an article about things to love about winter. They all helped to pass my time, but were really nothing of substance. Then I came to an article about Love and Relationships. I steeled myself for yet another ridiculous article about love. What I found was different and refreshing. It was an article written by a local relationship and sex therapist.  The following is an excerpt:

"A widely held belief is that love is a feeling. Not only is this incorrect, but the fallout this causes places our long-term relationships in jeopardy. My definition of love is: efforts and actions which encourage and support growth, nourishment, and well-being, while also protecting the other or oneself from harm. So love is action that comes from a choice... If love is only given when positive feelings for the partner are present, no relationship would ever improve once in trouble, and few relationships would stay positive. We must persistently love the partner whether or not we have loving feelings...Love is what we give to be our best and it cannot be based upon our fluctuating emotions and moods. Unless we get love right, obtaining satisfying relationship results will be elusive. 

Paradoxically, we need not have good feelings about our partners to love him or her... but can still love by making loving efforts. A significant cause of relationship failure comes from the repeated practice of withholding love when the partner is judged as not deserving it because he or she has behaved in a way that is objectionable. In reality, an 'undeserving' partner and the coinciding at-risk relationship need love the most. A badly behaved partner is an opportunity to practice loving compassion... 

When facing relationship adversity, anger and bitterness are usually provoked, but if we respond with loving actions, our growth results. By choosing loving actions we increase the chance that the relationship may improve, the partner will open to our influence, and we will be clearer about the role we play in the relationship drama... Love is the energy we bring when we act by giving our best to nourish and support, and in long-term relationships it RESULTS in loving feelings."

 I read this and something just clicked.  I do this.  Not just in my romantic relationship, but in all of my relationships.  I judge hard, especially when I'm angry.  Even if I love you, when I am angry with you, I withhold love.  I can be unkind and/or withdraw.  I tend to let the "nuclear fallout" happen and then attempt to fix it later.  I want to make a concerted effort to change my behavior.  What if I continue to be loving, even when experiencing negative feelings?  What if I learned to not lash out in anger?  What would that look like?  I honestly don't know.  I've never done it.  I have a hard time with boundaries and so I let anger act like a shield when I've been pushed too far and don't want my boundaries pushed any further.  I've spent so long without any boundaries whatsoever, that now that I am setting them, it seems to put others off.  It's a struggle for me to maintain them.  I think if I can continue to work on setting clear boundaries and expectations for those that I am in relationships with, then I will also be able to give love even in the most difficult times.

Note: The entire original article can be found in the December 2014 issue of Soco Magazine

On Losing Life's Flavor and Trying to Find it Again

I haven't written in a very long time.  I often find myself starting to write something and then I get to a point where I know someone's feelings will be hurt if I publish it, so I put the post down.  Other times I find myself with so much to say that I don't know how to say it, so rather than say too much, I say nothing.  This is my attempt to say something... if anyone's feelings are hurt in the process, I do apologize.

About a year ago, there was a death in my extended family.  It was traumatic and unexpected.  Nothing could have prepared anyone for it.  It was just before a holiday, and that first of many firsts that the year to come would hold galvanized the pain of that person's death.  I became a caretaker for a loved one who was consumed by this pain.  Not that I wouldn't do it all over, but my approach would have been different.  I think it was right around then that life lost its flavor.  I cried every moment that I was alone (on the way to work, in the bathroom, on the way home, as I cooked dinner... the tears never ran dry), I stopped crocheting, I stopped baking, I barely cleaned my house, I had to force myself to work on my studies for my coven, things such as getting our Yule/Christmas trees felt like a chore and I couldn't wait to get rid of them when the season was over, I isolated myself because I couldn't take one more person asking what I needed when I had no idea what I needed.  All I did was sleep, go to work, come home, try to keep my shell of a home life together, and search for answers where there were none.  I guess you could say I found myself in a dark night of the soul, so to speak.  I felt distant from deity, my covenmates, and worst of all I could not reconcile my feelings with my beliefs.  The answers that I received from Wicca were not sufficient to quell my pain.  It wasn't what I was looking for, and so I found myself sad and angry.  I trudged through the past year, passing every first family event without this person present.  I watched a family fall apart and continue to this day to struggle to find a new structure that can work.

So here we are one year later.  There is still pain and sadness, but it has become less of an open wound than it once was.  We have survived every terrible first and it seems as though the storm that raged in my home has finally broken.  There is love and peace in the air again and the energy of my small apartment is no longer oppressive.  While we will never make sense out of what happened, it seems as though we are no longer "stuck."  I am grateful that this year is over.  I know that it was love that got us through it.  Love gave me the strength to persevere when I thought I had nothing left to give and that I would surely break.  It was love that allowed me to see the best in everyone, and it is love that will help us to continue to move forward and heal.

So this is where I have been.  I am looking forward to finding life's flavor again and maybe stronger than it was before.

Finding Athena

I've been searching for my matron and patron for some time.  I've found myself confused and exploring different goddesses without any results.  I explored a relationship with Cerridwen in my early years, and more recently Diana, Hera, and Gaia.  None of them seemed quite like a fit. Recently in an attempt to find clarity, I went in search of my matron using my pendulum.  The answers I received were unexpected.  My matron is not Cerridwen, Diana, Hera, or Gaia.  The answer I received was Athena.  I was baffled by it.  The only inkling I'd ever had toward Athena is that I am very drawn toward owls, especially in more recent years.  I found this answer surprising.

Last night, I was at a monthly healing circle that I've been attending recently.  We begin the night with a guided meditation, which is then followed by mini energy work sessions.  It's a truly sacred place that has helped me to cope with a recent death in the family.  During the meditation, we were guided to travel up to source, however we envisioned that source.  There she was standing before me.  It was Athena and it was clear that is my matron.  She was shining and beautiful and comforting.  After that, the meditation moved on to balancing and cleansing our chakras.  I didn't want to leave Her, but I knew I needed the balance.  She then gave me a vision of a large barn owl flying toward me.  I felt at peace.  It was a simple knowing... different from any other experience.  Words cannot truly describe how I felt in that moment, or how I feel now.  They fall short.  It was a truly beautiful experience that I am so grateful for.

out of the broom closet... unexpectedly

I never spent much time in the broom closet.  I was only in the closet when I was first researching Wicca and wasn't entirely sure it was the path for me.  Once I decided that it was for me, I didn't hide it from my friends or family.  I was open and honest about it.  It wasn't a huge coming out or anything, but as it came up I was honest about it.  Some wanted to know more, some were unsure about it, some didn't want to know anything except to ensure that I wasn't getting into anything of a Satanic nature.  I've always felt comfortable talking about what I believe.  There are certain questions that are harder to answer than others and I prefer specific questions.

There has been one place that I've always been hesitant about talking about my religion and that's work.  My religion has no effect on my ability to do my job and it doesn't make a me a better or worse employee.  I work hard regardless of my beliefs.  I'm not naive and even though I know that religion is a protected class, I also know that if someone wants to fire me, they'll find a legally acceptable reason.  I don't want any possible prejudices to cloud a performance review or possible promotion, so at work, I have always remained in the broom closet.  I've played along with whatever the expectation is of me.  I was raised in a Protestant family and my mother's side of the family is Roman Catholic, so I know just enough about the Bible and the religion to get by.  If co-workers asked if I believe in Jesus Christ, I would say, "yes, I believe in Jesus Christ."  And as far as I'm concerned, I never lied since they didn't ask what I believe about him.  Do I believe he lived and brought a good message to many people?  I most certainly do!  Do I believe he is the messiah?  I'm not going to rule it out, since I believe that all paths are true, it just happens to not be my truth.  If they made a comment about my rosary beads, I would say they're at home.  I have my great grandmother's rosary beads in my jewelry box.  If religious discussions came up, I could participate.  I would bring my dedicant homework to work and tell them it was for a meditation class I attend so that I can stay "zen."  When they asked why I could never work on Monday nights, that was when I went to my meditation class.  No one ever questioned me and if they did, they never voiced it.

Recently, I inadvertently outed myself at work.  I requested Halloween off, which I know calls some things into question since I don't have children.  I told my manager that I needed it off for religious reasons and that made her more willing to work with me, but she didn't ask any questions.  Another co-worker was not pleased about me having it off as she has children.  And don't get me wrong I understand her wanting to get out of work early to take them trick-or-treating, but since she didn't need a full day for that, there was no reason that I couldn't have it off and that's how my manager felt about it too.  My co-worker saw the schedule and was not happy.  

I got into work and she asked, "why do you need Halloween off?  Are you going to a party?"  I said, "no."  So she asked, "are you going down to Connecticut to see your family?"  Again I said, "no."  I had hoped my one word answers would give her the hint that I didn't want to talk about it, but she kept pushing.  She asked, "so why do you need it off?"  So I said, "religious reasons."  She said, "religious reasons?  What sort of religious reasons?"  So I told her, "I have to go to church."  This is where I miscalculated, telling a truly good Catholic that I needed to go to church on a non-Christian holiday.  I'm used to people who do not attend church regularly, so they take my surface answers as they are.  That was not the case with this co-worker.  She said, "church?  What kind of church do you belong to that requires you to go on Halloween?"  I knew I was in trouble at this point, so I said, "a spiritual one?"  And then she asked the question I dread getting at work and have avoided for most of my working life.  "Are you a witch? Do you practice witchcraft?"  I didn't say anything.  So then she said, "you do, don't you?  So I said, "I don't really talk about it at work.  I don't want people to judge me."  And then something surprising happened, she said, "yeah I understand that.  I would keep it on the down low too.  People do judge.  I'm not judging you, I believe in all that stuff, I go to psychics and get my cards read.  Oh my god do you read tarot cards?"  So I said, "no I'm not very good at cards.  I'm learning to read stones (referring to my witches' runes).  I'm just learning though, I'm not like a professional or anything."  So then she asked if I would read for her.  We talked a little more, and then we went about the work day.

I fully expected to come into work, the next day, to whispers about me being a witch.  I prepared myself for the whispers and dirty looks that can accompany being outed.  Surprisingly, that was not the case at all.  There were no whispers... no looks... it was a totally normal day at work.  My co-worker asked if I brought my runes with me and I had honestly forgotten them and offered to bring them the next day.  She expressed concern that everyone would be around and that I wanted to keep my religion quiet.  I was so surprised that she didn't tell anyone.  I work in a bank and to be honest, bank tellers are the biggest gossips you will every meet.  I thought waitresses were bad, when I was still waitressing, but I've come to the conclusion that bank tellers are FAR worse.  The fact that she kept things quiet touched my heart.  I've been able to continue to work without any trouble and enjoy my job.

Today, our manager must have been struggling with some personal issues and this co-worker must have mentioned that I read runes and asked me to bring them to work again.  I was a little nervous when this came up, I won't lie.  My co-worker assured me that she didn't say much beyond the runes.  I don't know what was said, so I approached the situation carefully.  There were no comments made and it seemed like my manager got some answers that she needed.  My co-worker asked how my Halloween was and she seemed to take an interest in what I was saying.  The point is, people can surprise you.  There was no judgement, only appreciation.  I don't know if this experience will bring me out of the broom closet entirely.  I think I will always hold my religious beliefs close to my chest, but this whole experience has given me a renewed sense of hope.

Love and Baking

Fall is a strange time for me.  I hit the seasonal change (which for some reason the summer to fall change is the worst) and I have found myself in a funk on more than one occasion.  At the same time, I enjoy the fall, especially now that I am out of school and have my own home.  My boyfriend and I have created traditions that I look forward to every year.  

I have found that one of the things I look forward to is baking.  It's too hot to bake in the late spring through early fall.  In fact, I don't even want to cook in the hot and sticky New England summers.  If I could afford it and it was healthy, I would probably eat out or get take out every meal of every day.  But in the fall, there is something that just feels so magical about baking.  I light a candle and usually play music and the constant internal chatter of my head shuts off.  I find myself focusing on love as I work the ingredients and beyond that my brain just seems to flow.  My hands know what they have to do and the only disruption in this flow is to check the details of the recipe.  Even after I check the recipe, I go back to the flow of working through the recipe.  

I've only noticed recently that I do this, but as I look back on my baking season, last year, I did the exact same thing.  Now that I realize I do this, what do I do with it?  I have a hard time with normal meditation, since my head doesn't normally turn off, so perhaps this could become my form of meditation and communication with deity.

Restlessness and Longing

I find myself restless, this time of year.  I can't really say why, but it's always in September, just after my birthday that I begin to feel like something is off.  I can't say that I feel like I'm in a funk, this year, like I did last year.  It's far from that.  I find myself happier at this point in my life.  I have a job that I can be happy at, I am initiated, I am at a good place in my relationship, and I see my family fairly regularly, finances aren't great, but they'll get to where they need to be.  Just the same, something feels like it's missing and I can't say what.  I feel a longing for something, but I can't quite put my finger on what it is that I feel is missing.  I'm a firm believer that if you don't find it within yourself that you won't find it outside yourself, so I have to ask myself what part of me is feels separate from the rest of me?  What have I sectioned off for whatever reason?  I know that I have learned to survive in this life by compartmentalizing different aspects and not allowing them to mix.  But until recently, I haven't felt as restless as I do now.

The more I think about when I start to feel this restless feeling each year, the more I realize that I've always felt this way, but it's been magnified over the past two years since I've been out of school.  Is it the routine I miss?  I have a different routine that has replaced the school routine, so is that really my issue?  Is 20 years of some sort of school routine and then the loss of that what's really throwing me off?  Living in a city, I've lost that slow transition that comes from living in a rural farming area.  I find these strange seasons a bit jarring.  They don't transition quite the same here as they do in a farm town.  You don't see the plowing, planting, nurturing of said plants, harvesting, dying off, and repeating of the cycle, in the city.  Instead you wake up and it's spring, and then you wake up and it's summer, and then you wake up and it's fall, and then you wake up and it's winter.  Wash, rinse, repeat.  The seasons almost have a sterile quality to them.  It's not something that I ever thought I might miss since I guess you could say it was always something I took for granted.  It was the farming that drove me crazy, living there, but it was also how I subconsciously marked time, I suppose.  Is my sense of time disrupted?  I don't know if that's where my sense of restlessness and longing comes from.

Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm missing out on something.  There's something I'm not doing that I should be doing.  I don't want to say that there's something I don't have that I should have since I'm not big on material possessions if it's not something I don't have already.  I'll admit I'm a bit of a pack rat and have a hard time letting go of current possessions, but at the same time I'm practical when it comes to acquiring new things.  I know this doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but work with me here.  So what's missing?  What am I not doing?  Is there something non-material that I feel like I'm missing?  I can't quite figure it out.