I find it hard to be kind to myself. I'm my own worst critic and I have a problem with negative self-talk. I will stew on it and beat myself up long after the issue has gone by, long after the person that I affected (if someone else was affected at all) has let it go and forgiven me. One of my goals is to cut back on the negative self talk, but I struggle and recent events have been no exception.
I work in a large commercial bank and have spent the last two years training to become an operations manager. The manager that trained me is tough and has high expectations of her employees. She's brilliant and I couldn't have asked to be mentored by a better person. Recently, I was promoted and put in a branch that was in rough shape. My company knew that I was capable of cleaning it up and I eagerly rose to the challenge. My mentor's reputation follows me wherever I go in this company (in truth not a bad reputation to have attached to me) and I continue to hold myself and my branch to the standards that she holds her own branch to. I always ask myself how would she handle this situation? What would she do? And if I don't know, I call her.
Every day, for the first three weeks, I went into this branch holding it and myself to her standards. I would berate myself that it wasn't like her branch. She trained me thoroughly, why can't I get it in tip top shape? What am I doing wrong? I managed her branch when she wasn't there, this should be easy for me. It got to the point, where I couldn't stop thinking about work, even at home. I constantly stressed about it, to the point where I even dreamed about it. Most of the time, if I dream about work, it's usually that my kitchen is the lobby and there's a customer in there, so I can't get to my bathroom. Now the dresser in my bedroom became the vault door and I couldn't get it open. I would wake up from my dream and stare at it until I realized it was just my dresser. I dreamed about not being able to accomplish everything that I needed to get done. I dreamed about getting audited and failing. I couldn't disconnect from work.
Finally, about a week ago, I was beating myself up again and wondering what I got myself into when I took this job. I happened to complete a task that was a big weight off my chest and looked around my branch. I looked at my employees and marveled. Part of the problem before I got there was that the previous operations manager didn't promote best practices and didn't really set expectations. In four weeks, not only had I had set expectations and promoted best practices, but I got my employees on board with me and together we have improved our branch. It's not my mentor's branch by a long shot, but let's be honest, Rome wasn't built in a day. She has been in her branch a very long time and she has worked very hard to have it the way that she does. It took a while to fall into bad habits and it will take some time to get back into good habits. In this moment, I need to be proud of the what we have already accomplished and not beat myself up for what I have yet to accomplish. It will all come with time. And with that, I found a way to be kind to myself. I didn't berate myself later. I didn't look for ways that I should have done better. I simply gave myself credit for what I have already accomplished and acknowledged that while there is still work to be done, what I have done already, is pretty great.
Awesomeness!
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