Creating Boudaries and Giving Love Properly

I had an excessively long lunch yesterday. When I put my timecard in the system, it turned out I had 45 minutes of overtime. Since overtime is a no-go at my job and I had to close, my manager just added it onto my regularly scheduled 30 minute lunch. On the rare occasion that I'm scheduled to have a long lunch, I usually will bring my coven "homework" or my textbook for the class I'm taking. This impromptu lunch left me completely unprepared. After eating my lunch, I still found myself with an hour of nothing to do and so I grabbed one of the magazines on the table in the break room. I flipped through it. It was mostly Christmas related: Buy a new home in time for Christmas; History of the Christmas Tree and where to find a Christmas tree farm; How to not go into debt around Christmas time; Fashions for Christmas; and an article about things to love about winter. They all helped to pass my time, but were really nothing of substance. Then I came to an article about Love and Relationships. I steeled myself for yet another ridiculous article about love. What I found was different and refreshing. It was an article written by a local relationship and sex therapist.  The following is an excerpt:

"A widely held belief is that love is a feeling. Not only is this incorrect, but the fallout this causes places our long-term relationships in jeopardy. My definition of love is: efforts and actions which encourage and support growth, nourishment, and well-being, while also protecting the other or oneself from harm. So love is action that comes from a choice... If love is only given when positive feelings for the partner are present, no relationship would ever improve once in trouble, and few relationships would stay positive. We must persistently love the partner whether or not we have loving feelings...Love is what we give to be our best and it cannot be based upon our fluctuating emotions and moods. Unless we get love right, obtaining satisfying relationship results will be elusive. 

Paradoxically, we need not have good feelings about our partners to love him or her... but can still love by making loving efforts. A significant cause of relationship failure comes from the repeated practice of withholding love when the partner is judged as not deserving it because he or she has behaved in a way that is objectionable. In reality, an 'undeserving' partner and the coinciding at-risk relationship need love the most. A badly behaved partner is an opportunity to practice loving compassion... 

When facing relationship adversity, anger and bitterness are usually provoked, but if we respond with loving actions, our growth results. By choosing loving actions we increase the chance that the relationship may improve, the partner will open to our influence, and we will be clearer about the role we play in the relationship drama... Love is the energy we bring when we act by giving our best to nourish and support, and in long-term relationships it RESULTS in loving feelings."

 I read this and something just clicked.  I do this.  Not just in my romantic relationship, but in all of my relationships.  I judge hard, especially when I'm angry.  Even if I love you, when I am angry with you, I withhold love.  I can be unkind and/or withdraw.  I tend to let the "nuclear fallout" happen and then attempt to fix it later.  I want to make a concerted effort to change my behavior.  What if I continue to be loving, even when experiencing negative feelings?  What if I learned to not lash out in anger?  What would that look like?  I honestly don't know.  I've never done it.  I have a hard time with boundaries and so I let anger act like a shield when I've been pushed too far and don't want my boundaries pushed any further.  I've spent so long without any boundaries whatsoever, that now that I am setting them, it seems to put others off.  It's a struggle for me to maintain them.  I think if I can continue to work on setting clear boundaries and expectations for those that I am in relationships with, then I will also be able to give love even in the most difficult times.

Note: The entire original article can be found in the December 2014 issue of Soco Magazine