An Evolution of Beliefs

I think my beliefs have been evolving for a while, but I didn't recognize it.  It was easy to maintain the status quo as a member of the coven and not really think about my personal beliefs because it is important to conform to the group to maintain unity.  When the coven fell apart, I knew that I didn't want to continue a practice that looked like what we did there.  But what did that look like?  In the coven, I was supposed to hit certain milestones and that was kind of how I ran my practice in attempt to hit those milestones.  Well now I'm on my own with a couple witchy friends to check in with and I've had to spend the past seven months trying to figure out what that looks like.  I'm still not quite sure, but I'm working it out.  Right now, I think I am still Wiccan, but that may change or it may not.  It's hard to say.  I can't say where I'm going, but I can tell you where I'm at.

I started yoga about a year ago and I really love the peace I feel when I'm there.  I'm sure I've mentioned before that it is the only place I really feel at peace.  I'd like to explore that more.  I have no desire to have some spiritual practice that tries to transcend this physical world.  I have clearly manifested in this physical body for a reason and I think it's important to explore that.  I am a spiritual being and its important to acknowledge that, but also embrace the experience of this physical body.  I tend to live in the physical first, and acknowledge the spiritual second.  I'm not one of those people that only wants to dwell on a spiritual plane and forgets the physical.  Since I need to bring the spiritual into my everyday life, I need to find a way to incorporate that into my physical life.  Yoga helps me to do that.  I am able to focus on the movement of my physical body and elevate that into something spiritual.  I am working on strengthening my body and the poses and now I think it is important to focus on the theory and spirituality behind it.  This will help me to take my practice in the direction I would like to see it go.  

I also find that the Wiccan belief in just one god and one goddess is very limiting to me.  I am probably on my way to working with a personal pantheon.  I know some Wiccans work with the Lord and the Lady concept, but that is just too vague and impersonal to me.  I know they view all deities as facets of the same energy, so they'll call on any deity that suits their needs.  The reason this does not work for me is that I do not share this belief that they are all part of the same energy.  Instead I believe that all deities are distinct entities, which we must nurture relationships with.  You wouldn't hang out in your house and then when you need a doctor, go knock on your neighbor's door without ever introducing yourself.  I feel the same way about deity.  You need to develop a relationship before asking for help.  Additionally, you wouldn't ask the doctor for tax advice.  The reason I bring this up is because if you do not subscribe to the nebulous Lord and Lady belief, then you must find a matron/patron.  To me, this also leaves something to be desired.  This is like developing a relationship with the doctor and then relying on him for everything even outside of his expertise.  This is where I struggle with the idea of matrons/patrons.  Athena had made herself known to me as my matron.  At the time, I needed a warrior energy in my life.  That's not to say that I don't need that energy in my life still.  What I am saying is that I need a combination of energies in my life, which is why I'm beginning to feel that working with a number of gods may be in my best interest.  I don't know what that looks like quite yet, but I do know I'll never figure it out if I don't start exploring.  For the next year, I'll be working through a book with devotionals to many different goddesses and find how I feel.  

I think all of this will help me to find the next step in the evolution of my beliefs.