I like to reflect on the previous year, every year; look at what I'd like to keep and what no longer serves. I used to do this on Samhain, but in recent years, I've found that I prefer to do this on my birthday, in September. Maybe so that by the time Samhain rolls around, I've had time to think about the things that I'd like to release from the previous year. I find myself doing more reflecting, this year, more than I normally do. So much has changed this year.
I spent a year as an only child. My brother lives in Ohio and my sister moved to China for a year. Originally, this terrified me. I know I was an only child 27 years ago, but I don't even remember what that was like anymore. My brother and sister have always been my rocks and I especially relied on my sister, so the idea of her being across the world felt unbearable when she left. I had two choices: carry on with my life or don't. Since I wasn't able to go with her, nor did I want to, the only choice I had was to carry on. In a strange way, I feel like this really helped me to nurture other relationships in my life. I don't want to say I neglected these relationships previously, but I feel like "alone," allowed me to deepen these relationships. At the same time, thanks to modern technology, keeping in touch with my siblings was not as difficult as it may have been in previous years. This allowed me to feel stable and safe and still venture out for a lack of a better term.
I spent about 2 1/2 years training for my current job. I worked really hard over the first year to master my previous position and prove myself worthy of spending the time to train me for my promotion. I spent the next year, taking on more and more responsibility and training. In the last 6 months (just before my previous birthday), came my test. My mentor had to go on medical leave and that was sink or swim time. I covered for her completely during the first 3 months and covered part time for her in the following 3 months. Again, I found myself afraid at first. What if I couldn't handle this job? What if I had trained for all that time and I couldn't handle it? When my regional manager came to visit my branch and did a "mini-audit," there were minimal findings. I was so proud of myself. From that moment, I was no longer afraid and was confident that I was capable of doing this job. Once a position opened up, I was promoted, first as a float, and not long after, I was assigned to my own branch.
I got engaged this year. My fiance and I were together for 7 1/2 years when he proposed. I am very excited to be taking this next step in our lives together and I feel like our relationship has only gotten stronger. We were in our early twenties when we met and so in many ways we've grown up together. We've supported and loved each other through highs and lows. I am so in love and so glad that he is the person that walks beside me in this life.
This may be a long term reflection, but it's worth sharing. I found my old diaries from when I was a teenager and into my early twenties. There are some things I found that have not changed in 10-15 years and that I must continue to work on. There are some things that I need to learn to not do. I need to continue to practice self love. The good news is there are things that I used to put up with, some very hurtful things that were said and done that I should have never allowed, that I would never allow again. So I guess in some ways, you could say that I gained some self respect. I've also said that somewhere over the years, I became more serious and sensitive, and I can't remember exactly when that happened. I actually pinpointed it, in my diary, when I was about 16 or 17 that I felt heavy and felt myself becoming more serious due to some difficult circumstances at that time. Now that I've found that, I need to work on healing that part of myself. I think this could use some contemplation, to say the least. Maybe this is who I am now or maybe it's a product of my environment, I'm not sure.
My coven ended this year. I've been hesitant to talk about it, but now that a few months have gone by, maybe now it's something I can talk about. It didn't end because of divorce, which apparently is a leading cause of covens disbanding. Just the same, it wasn't a pleasant ending. I don't want to go into the details as some of them are deeply personal, but I think it's important for me to say what I am able to say. I'm not exactly sure if there is a point in time that any of us could point to and say that was the beginning of the end. I also know that not everyone will view what happened the same way. This is my personal view. I think somewhere along the way, the coven no longer fit any of us. I think our spiritual growth was taking us in very different directions and we all had interests that were taking us further and further from each other. At the same time, I also think we had things in our personal that were pulling us apart. I think if we had all been open and honest with ourselves and each other, then perhaps the ending wouldn't have been as messy as it turned out. Instead I think problems were created where there weren't any. Rumors, for a lack of a better term, were started and used as an excuse for the dissolution of the coven. I can't say it was all bad or that I regret being in a coven. That would be a lie. I gained a lot from it during the good times. Just the same, I also think it's good for me that it's over now. There are things that I am doing now and things that I want that would have never been conducive to the coven environment
I have to say that many things that started out scary and awful, but turned out to be great for me. I am grateful for all that I received this year and grateful for all that I continue to receive. I will continue to take stock of my life as I've been doing over the past year. Most importantly, I will continue learn to love myself and learn who I am. I am still working on the gratitude and forgiveness that I had mentioned in one of my previous posts. I can't say I'm there, but it's a process.
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